Posted in Life in general, Motherhood

All Worth It

Graduation day came and went, as do all the events that come and go. But it was an emotional day for me. Eighteen years of working hard, often two jobs, making every dollar count, while waiting on my son’s big day, it was worth it to see him in his cap and gown, beaming from ear to ear.

I was, of course, sad that Mom wasn’t there, but I know she would have been proud to see what an amazing young man he has become and all he has accomplished, despite the obstacles he has faced along the way.  And the obstacles I faced as I struggled to raise him on my own.   There were plenty of times, where I felt like I was failing miserably, both as a single mother and as my family’s only provider.  There are plenty of times where I lost my grip and fell and thought that I couldn’t get up.  But I did over and over, and that young man is proof that despite financial struggle, health worries, and parenting alone, that you can still get up even when it feels like you haven’t got the strength.

And life can be unfair. It can knock you down. So, can people, and I have had plenty of people in my life who have knocked me down, and were shocked when I still managed to get up.  There were plenty of times where I wanted to lie there, but I got up, even if I did it crawling.  And there have so many times where I had no one to lean on and I could only rely on myself. But again, it has been worth to see that smile on that young man’s face, and I’d do it again.  Because despite numerous obstacles, he turned out to be an amazing young man, and this momma should be prouder.

His graduation day also brought out some difficult emotions, ones I thought I had long overcome.  Turns out I am still angry at certain people in my life for putting so much responsibility on me and not being there for me when I needed them most.  That is something I have been thinking a lot about in recent days.  I am actually embarrassed about my anger.  I thought I was past it, but I guess I am not.  I have prayed on it and I prayed for the strength to forgive. I think I have held on to my anger because I am afraid to forget and make the same mistakes I previously made. I will keep praying for the strength to forgive, to be forgiven, but not to forget and repeat past mistakes.  After all, I set examples for my children, and the kind of people I want them to be. So, I need to be better than this.

As I think about what I want for my children, I want for them to experience everything I was never able to experience.  I want to choose dreams that mean the most to them, not me and not anyone else. I hope the roads they take lead them to where they want to go.  I hope that even when the world is cold that they choose smile and look for goodness and kindness.  I hope their dreams are big and their worries are small.  I hope they never have to bear more than they can handle.

Mostly I hope they know that I love them, and I am forever proud of them. I hope that they find love with people who want the same for them.  I hope they find God’s grace when times are good and even when they are rough.  I hope they never forget where they came from and that they can always come home.  Because being their mother, it is my honor and every struggle, it is worth it to see them succeed and become the adults I know they can be.

Posted in Life in general

Missing Mom

The is no relationship in the world like the one you have with your mother.  Sometimes, she is your best friend, sometimes your enemy but usually somewhere in between.

My mom was the person who was there for me at my worst and she was the person I celebrated with me at my best. My mother was everything to me.

I miss her and losing her was the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me.  And that is saying a lot, because I have been through a whole lot.  Nothing in the world could compare to the day I realized I could no longer lie in her arms and that is one I will never forget.

With every single day that passes, I miss her more than the day before. With every new beginning and ending, every milestone for my children and me, I desperately crave for her love, encouragement and her support.  There is no one that can ever replace her.

And with each day, I try to pick up the pieces of my life without her. For once, my life is where it is should be.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I am doing well in both my writing and legal careers. My kids are doing great and they are happy and healthy.  And I have let go of people who made my happiness harder.

But some days, I feel alone without my mother and that feeling is the most devastating in the world.  I know that there are so many others who live with this same pain and so many more who will.

I know my mother lives inside me. After all, she raised me to be the woman I am today. And while sometimes, I wish I wasn’t walking alone, I know that I am doing fine and she is looking down on me with pride. She may not agree with all my choices, but she knows I am strong, resilient, and smart and that I will always do the right thing.

And even though she is not here to support me and cheer me, she is still my biggest fan.  She still has a front row to my accomplishments.  She is further away but she is still with me.

I am lucky to have my mother for as long as I did.  And missing her is hard and sometimes, it takes all I have when things get to tough to move forward without her.  But I do it every single day and despite how much I miss her and how much I ache inside for her presence.

If you are lucky enough to have your mom still around, don’t take it for granted.  Call her, visit her, pick up the phone when she calls, listen to her, and remind her how important she is too you.  You won’t know how truly blessed you are to have her around until she is gone. Don’t take her for granted today because tomorrow might be too late.