We are going on two years since we lost Mom and I continue to miss her terribly. On the days when I miss her the most and I need to feel closest to her, I talk to her. Sometimes, I know what she will say, and I offer a response. It’s kind of silly, but it gives me closure.
Losing your mother is one of the hardest losses you will experience, and trust me, I have lost a lot. The days have turned into weeks, weeks into months and here we are two years later. I wonder how I have been able to make it with her physically in my life. But I know that even though she is gone, she lives in my heart, in my memories, and all the things she taught me and the strength she instilled in me.
The sadness and the missing her comes when events happen that she is not here to be a part of. They also come when I need her the most. That amazing woman was my rock and the place where I laid my head when things got tough. She loved me and accepted me when no one else did.
I know that I will always miss her, but as we get close to the second anniversary of her death, I am missing her more. I miss her when I am in a store shopping and I see other women with their mothers. I miss her when I try to cook some of her recipes and they don’t taste the same. I miss her when someone else loses their mom. I miss her when something amazing happens in my life and my children’s lives and I cannot pick up the phone to tell her. I miss her when I am having a bad day or not feeling well because she always knew the right thing to say. I miss her when everyone is celebrating with their mothers and I cannot celebrate with her.
I miss her when something reminds me of her. I miss her when I need her advice the most. I miss her when I see her number in my phone because I can’t find it in me to delete it. I miss her when I see older women who are lucky enough to have long lives and she didn’t. I miss her when my children miss her or when they say they wish Grandma was around. I miss her on her birthday and on my birthday. She always came by with a cake even though she knew I hated celebrating my birthday. I miss her when I think about how she would look in ten years or 20 years had she lived.
I miss her when I go to her favorite places alone like Amish county, a trip we always enjoyed together. I miss her when I stare at the sky and wonder where she is.
And even though I continue to miss her, I remember how much she loved me and my children. I remember that she didn’t want to leave us, and she would have done anything to have stayed and watched her grandchildren grow up and to share in their victories and celebrations.
When I miss Mom, I just take that extra step to live my life and be happy because I know that is what she would want for me. Mostly, I try to remember what it was like to be around her and the way she would have done anything in the world for my children and me.
I will never stop missing Mom, but every day, I remind myself what Mom would want for me. And it is not to continue to have an ache in my heart for her. It is to live my life to the fullest, take care of my children and love them in the way she loved me, and mostly, she’d want me to move on and find my place in this world without her.