Posted in anger, Anxiety, depression

My Crippling Anxiety and Overwhelming Depression

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to breathe normally. But I can’t do any of these things. I just sat there and wallowed in my pain.  My anxiety and depression was winning today and there was nothing I could do.

All the  worst-case scenarios were circulating in my head.  The tightness in my chest. I couldn’t make any of it go away.  I was sad and angry for no reason.  I just wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling.

I tried relaxation breathing.  I tried calming music and even my favorite music. I treated myself to my favorite Starbucks drink. I went outside for fresh air, a walk, anything to make it stop. I prayed. I tried to think happy thoughts.  Nothing was working. It was just me and my crippling anxiety.

Nothing caused it. Nothing specifically happened. But it was there. And I tried everything to make it stop to no avail.

The reality is I have struggled all my life with depression and crippling anxiety so today is nothing new. It took years of counseling to learn to manage both. Most of the time, I walk myself through the anger, the sadness, and the frustration. Today, it is ongoing and there is nothing I can do. I have tried everything that usually works, and there is nothing left to try.

And so, here I am riding it out. Wishing something or someone should fix it. But there is nothing. No resolve. No magic pill. No quick relief solutions. Just me trying to get through the day. Trying to focus on my job. Trying to keep it together in front my children. Just trying.  Knowing I am failing miserably.  It is all I got.

I can’t do today again. But I have tomorrow and the fact that tomorrow has got to be better than today. It has to be. Wishful thinking, as I try to hang on through the scariest and most frustrating moments of my life.

I am still here. I am still alive. The anxiety and depression hasn’t killed me yet.  And I will keep going for as long as I can.  Because there has got to be some light despite all this darkness.


Posted in depression

Good Riddance to Depression

Dear Depression,

I am so glad to have finally broken up with you.  You invaded my life all those months and you were like an unwanted and unwelcome guest who just refused to go home.  At one point, I thought you would be in my life forever but as the days, weeks and months went on, I got stronger and realized that your days with me outnumbered.

Just so you know, you are a real jerk and I cannot believe that I put up for this long but gosh darn-it, I am moving on without you in my life.  Moving on does not mean I have forgotten those many nights I cried myself to sleep and the nights that I couldn’t sleep because the pessimistic thoughts running through my head. I loved and valued my sleep because without it I could not be productive but you were keeping me up at night and I can’t take that kind of crap from anymore.

I wasn’t cooking for my family because of my lack of appetite and spending time with them because of my lack of energy for life. You took away my ability to be myself around the people that love. I was always on the edge with my temper and I couldn’t stand even the simplest inconvenience such as someone standing in front of me.

I could keep going on and on about all the ways in which you inconvenienced my life but that would mean I wasn’t moving on. The fact is I am tired of this one way relationship and I don’t need a relationship like that.  I cannot even tell you “good luck,” “I hope you find someone else” or “thanks” because there was nothing good about you my life.

I am doing my own thing now and I am focusing on being happy.  Don’t you dare try to come back into my life! I have moved and changed my phone number. They say misery loves company; why don’t you go spend some time with her?

This is me and I am walking away for good.  I got my happy on. Good Riddance to Depression.

Posted in depression, fatigue, joint pain, rheumatologist, swelling, tiredness

Is it all about the pain?

Joint pain is one of the most common symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. It often joined by with warmth, redness, tenderness and swelling of the joints. Symptoms usually affect both sides – both hands, both wrists, both feet, etc. Another characteristic of RA is stiffness, most often in the morning but stiffness can occur any time of the day usually after resting. Systems will vary depending on the severity of the disease. The symptoms mean that all the joints are affected and left untreated will result in damage and deformity to joints. The sooner you can get a diagnosis, the better.

Pain and stiffness are not the only characteristics of RA. With RA, the immune system attacks the body and therefore, symptoms can be felt throughout the entire body. Other symptoms that RA sufferers may include, but are not limited to:

Fatigue and extreme tiredness;
Difficulty concentrating/lack of focus;
Low grade fevers;
Difficulty performing daily activities; and

RA can really affect one’s quality of life. It can make you too tired to participate socially, zaps away your energy levels and causes sadness and down feelings. If you think you are experiencing symptoms related to RA, you should see your family physician or a rheumatologist (a specialist in joint diseases). Be sure to write down your specific symptoms because blood work alone may not determine a case for RA.