I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to breathe normally. But I can’t do any of these things. I just sat there and wallowed in my pain. My anxiety and depression was winning today and there was nothing I could do.
All the worst-case scenarios were circulating in my head. The tightness in my chest. I couldn’t make any of it go away. I was sad and angry for no reason. I just wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling.
I tried relaxation breathing. I tried calming music and even my favorite music. I treated myself to my favorite Starbucks drink. I went outside for fresh air, a walk, anything to make it stop. I prayed. I tried to think happy thoughts. Nothing was working. It was just me and my crippling anxiety.
Nothing caused it. Nothing specifically happened. But it was there. And I tried everything to make it stop to no avail.
The reality is I have struggled all my life with depression and crippling anxiety so today is nothing new. It took years of counseling to learn to manage both. Most of the time, I walk myself through the anger, the sadness, and the frustration. Today, it is ongoing and there is nothing I can do. I have tried everything that usually works, and there is nothing left to try.
And so, here I am riding it out. Wishing something or someone should fix it. But there is nothing. No resolve. No magic pill. No quick relief solutions. Just me trying to get through the day. Trying to focus on my job. Trying to keep it together in front my children. Just trying. Knowing I am failing miserably. It is all I got.
I can’t do today again. But I have tomorrow and the fact that tomorrow has got to be better than today. It has to be. Wishful thinking, as I try to hang on through the scariest and most frustrating moments of my life.
I am still here. I am still alive. The anxiety and depression hasn’t killed me yet. And I will keep going for as long as I can. Because there has got to be some light despite all this darkness.