My 40th birthday is coming up here real soon, about a month and a half away. The older I get, the more I see my life is something to be celebrated. I triumphed through some of the most difficult circumstances and looking back, I am choosing not to have regrets. I have tried to be a good mother, daughter, sibling and friend. I have tried to be someone’s wife twice. I have tried my best, and sometimes, my best wasn’t enough. And I accept that.
I am thankful that I am an imperfect woman. I am not trying to be someone I am not. Not anymore. I am learning that I have to be real and I do that by being as real as I can be. I am who I am and I can’t change my experiences. I can only look to the future and continue to do the best I can.
I am in an imperfect woman and I embrace that. I used to think that my imperfections were a bad thing, but the older I get the more I realize that it is okay to imperfect. Being imperfect means I try harder every single day to be a better version of myself. And I continue to be a work in progress.
I am a mother, legal assistant, patient advocate, freelance writer and frustrated novelist. I am other things to other people but these are the things I am to myself. I am a mother first and my kids are my world. I wish I could have more kids or that my life had turned out different but it didn’t and I am learning to be okay with that.
There is no Prince Charming in my life because I don’t believe in princes and fairy tales. If there is a weird prince out there for me, he’s probably as confused as I am. He is probably not going to ride in on his white horse because he’s probably stuck in a tree somewhere and I’ll have to rescue him when I least expect it. But that is fine because I am perfectly imperfect and he is in the same predicament.
Often I say I am tired of being in the business of saving people but I do it time and time again and there will always be someone to rescue. Because that is how I am hardwired. I am a sucker for people who need help. And chances are, I will save Prince Imperfect from that tree without fire department assistance.
I don’t feel like I need rescuing but I wish someone would save me from spilling my coffee all over the living room carpet. I do it more than once a week and I am constantly cleaning up my own mess. Although, secretly I wish a shirtless Channing Tatum would clean the carpet for me while I put my feet up or take a nap. Actually, he might as well wear a shirt.
I love to laugh and be silly and I have one heck of a wicked and crazy sense of humor. I am straightforward person who has to bite her tongue because if I don’t, I piss a lot of people off. I don’t always trust and with good reason, and it takes a lot to trust for me. So, if I ever trust you, please know how hard that is. I am faithful and loyal and I continue to be even when I have been hurt, and I definitely keep secrets even for people who haven’t kept mine.
I am the person who leaves money in the parking meter for the next person, or puts money when I see someone’s parking meter is going low. I am the person who stops to help when no one else does. I try to be a good person in every aspect of my life but it isn’t always easy, considering life has forced me to wary. But this me, as real as can be.
People think I hold grudges but I don’t. I walk away to protect myself from getting hurt again. I burn bridges so I don’t cross them again. I don’t look back. When I have looked back, it has only cost me to get hurt again. The older I get the less I choose to wear my heart on my sleeve. I used to but it forced me to let people in who I wanted to believe wouldn’t hurt me. I am learning that if people can only fool you twice; after that, you are a willing participant.
I see myself as nerdy. I don’t wear glasses anymore. It’s been contacts for the last two years but I am still a big ol’ geek. I love reading and writing and visiting museums and places of history. I love nature and all nature has to offer. Fall is my favorite season and I keep telling people I am going to move some place warm but I know I will never leave Ohio.
I am not a morning person and I am usually grouchy until I have had my coffee. I am grouchy when I am tired and when I am hungry. I am driven and I work hard, but sometimes, I forget to stop and smell the roses, and I really wish someone would remind me to. I pride myself on how strong I am, but secretly, I wish someone else would take the lead. I worry a lot and sometimes for no reason at all. But that is who I am, and I am as real as can be.
I have faith and I believe in God. God reminds me every day that everything is possible even when it seems impossible. I struggle with my faith and I worry that I am not enough for God and my faith. I am learning that this one has a lot more to do with my experiences than anything else, and I am trying to be better and to let go of the past, and focus on the present and future.
I cry at the drop of a hat, even watching commercials on TV. I stay away from the news, but when I don’t, there better be a full box of Kleenex nearby. And because I am geeky, I watch science fiction shows and no matter how gruesome the Walking Dead is, I don’t miss an episode. I love anything to do with the supernatural, zombies, werewolves, and especially vampires. Sometimes, I wonder if some people are actually real life vampires. Specific people, actually. Yea, I have a wild imagination.
After a long, tiring day, sometimes, I just want to sit down and do nothing. I think I am an awful cook and sometimes, I burn dinner, but sometimes I don’t. Secretly, I am great cook, but I don’t have a lot of time on my hands so I tell people I can’t cook. Don’t tell anyone but I dream about being Rachel Ray. Sometimes, I am too tired to load the dishwasher but then I wake up in the middle of the night, and remember there is a sink full of dishes, and then, I get up to load the dishwasher.
I am notorious for second guessing myself and I wish there was someone to help me to stop. But this is me, real and imperfect at the same time. I will never be able to balance my check and I think that the banking industry has some conspiracy against those of us who lack basic accounting capabilities. I know it is not true but it makes me feel better to think it is.
I don’t always feel good enough for or that give enough in my relationships. Mostly, I just want to be reminded that I am enough. I am not perfect but I am as real as they come. And here I am, embarking on the big 4-0. Let’s see what 40 has in store for me.