Most days, I feel like I am barely getting by. I have two chronic illnesses but yet, I have been fortunate to continue working fulltime and to take care of my children as a single mother. I have been fortunate in a lot of ways and I am grateful for the grace of God.
I was writing on article about chronic illness guilt recently and I found myself thinking about all the ways in which I have felt guilty about being sick and all the things I have felt like chronic illness has taken from me. When I actually take the time to see what all I have gone through in my life since getting sick, I don’t think the healthy me could have handled all that.
While it seems like sometimes I am just getting by, it is really more than that. I am worn out from trying so hard. I don’t know why I feel the need to accomplish so much but I do. It is like I am trying so hard to prove something and I don’t even know what that is.
The way I see it, we are all just trying. We are all trying to prove we are capable. We are trying to feel less guilty or more useful. We are just getting by and for whatever reason, we feel the need to overcompensate because we are chronically ill. Often times, we do it without even thinking because we have been taught that being sick or at least, showing it, isn’t okay. So, we just keep trying. We are try are best and we try harder than most people and we are getting by.
Am I an adequate enough mother? Or sister? Or daughter? Or friend? Or employee? Am I? I don’t know. I just know that I keep trying and I will as long as my health lets me. I guess that is all of us can do.