Posted in Life in general, Motherhood, Tough Choices

I am okay


There has not much going on in my life of late.  I did get that promotion at work and I was training for it, training my replacement, and going my actual work so it made things quite busy and stressful for me but I made it.  I always do.  Other than all the craziness at the office, things have been quiet.

Fall is my favorite season but it has been cooler than anticipated so I have not been able to enjoy it.  We actually had snow about a week ago but we are back to normal temperatures this week.  My joints are achy in the morning due to the cooler weather and also because I am waiting on my Humira.  I am delayed at least a week at this point (if not more, I lost track) because of an insurance change and waiting for that approval.  I don’t know that my joints can take any more than a few days.  The last thing I want is a major flare up. I don’t miss the days of bad flare ups.  To me, some pain is normal but I have been fortunate this year to only have had two or three major ones.

Home life is quiet and my boys and I are doing well. I have just been trying to focus on the here and now and make every moment count. I am still doing my freelance writing and my advocacy at my Alliance Health sites. Working on my book has been put in the backburner until I find the time and focus to work on it.  I am not rushing it.  Good novels don’t happen overnight.

It has been quite some time since I have been able to say this but I am content.  I am happy and I am okay with where I am at in life. I am not where I thought I would be but I am right where I should be.

All the things I have seen and endured in the past few years have led me to a place where I know I truly belong.  And I wouldn’t change a thing because if it wasn’t for a lot of heartache, loss, patience, stress, and life lessons, I wouldn’t have gotten here right where I belong.  I am thankful for every lesson and every tear. I am stronger than ever and still able to fight, except I am glad that there isn’t a fight. I am tired of fighting. I am okay with there being no obstacles and my focusing on what is important right here and right now – my kids and our happiness.

I see greener pastures ahead and I see them for the long term. I am finally where I should be in life and I don’t mean in my career or my financial situation.  I mean in the grand scheme of things.  I, all of all people, know that life isn’t easy but it is so worth it.  It is so worth fighting to be happy and get past obstacles and people that stop you from being happy.

I am okay. And I am happy. And I am at ease. And I have not been able to say for a long time.  I am okay with where I am at because I know what it is like to be on the other side.  Depression is so ugly and it sucks the life out of you.  It did for me and I would not have wished that on my worst enemy.  But the worst is behind me and I sure hope it stays there.  And I am looking towards the future with open arms and heart full of dreams.


5 thoughts on “I am okay

  1. I’m so glad for you, Lana! You’ve needed this healthy dose of contentment for a long time. Congratulations on your job promotion and for being such a good mom to your kids. I hope the RA gives you a break and that you get your Humira dose ASAP. Sending a warm hug your way!

  2. Congratulations! I knew you would get the promotion. Way too early for snow. I am not looking forward to this coming winter, I’m already hurting more with the temps just dipping into the mid 30’s at night. May all your pastures be green from here on out.

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