Posted in Tough Choices

Owning Up

I recently made a decision to own up to a mistake I made.  At first, I thought that by being honest I would get forgiveness for this mistake. I didn’t have any different expectations but a part of me kind of found myself wondering what might have been had I not hurt this person.  I hurt this person because I was not strong enough to fight for what I wanted. If anything, I thought I was protecting this person but now, I only realize I was protecting myself.  Because of how badly I hurt this person, I realized an apology was warranted.  Owning up to the wrong I had done and the hurt I caused meant freeing myself of the burden and guilt I carried all these years – so I thought.

I was wrong but I did the right thing

What I knew is that this person was someone who would appreciate honesty – at least the person I knew back then. I am not so sure now.  I also think it is possible that person is still angry at me.  A part of thought still wonders what might have been and another part of me has come to the conclusion that things were never meant to be.  Owning up has allowed me to see the truth and now I can move forward from that.

I have done what I need to do by owning up to my mistake.  Owning up has allowed me to forgive myself and as far as the other person, I thought time would heal but it hasn’t.  I thought it would upset me that this person was still angry but I have come to the understanding that even though I owed an apology, that person’s anger isn’t justified.  That person maybe angry at me for walking away but that person did not stop me from walking away.  I away walked because I thought it was the right thing at the time and that person did nothing to try to change my reasoning.

At the end of the day

It has taken a lot of work and time but I realize now that I am enough.  If people in my life want to walk away because I am imperfect, I will hold the door open for them. I have become someone that some people don’t like but it is just me being strong, saying what I want, and not allowing anyone to treat me like a doormat.  If people are bothered by that, that is their problem.

At the end of the day, the only one I have to answer to is the Almighty God. I also have to be a person that my children are proud to call their mother.  It has taken me many years and a lot of soul searching to feel confident enough to say, “I am good enough.”  I have been strong enough to own up to my mistakes and if I have hurt others, I have apologized.

Taking Responsibility

I have owned up to my mistakes to take responsibility for my own life. It is not about anyone else. It is about my trying to understand who I am, how I behave, how others behave towards me, and how my behavior affects others and my own life.  I know that if I do not learn this, life will continue to be about what is happening to me, rather than what I actually have control of.  And the truth is, I may not have control of what happens but I have control of how I react and behave.


2 thoughts on “Owning Up

  1. Lana: I continue to be impressed by your journey and the difficult choices you have made — and as you say, these make you a stronger person. I think we all need to learn and/or be reminded as you have that we can’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings. I’m sorry this has been such a difficult time in your life, but I have no doubt you are emerging as a stronger person. All my best.

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