Acceptance is one of the hardest things that we have to deal with at least one point in our lives. Since the beginning of this year, I have had to embrace a new normal. It has been a difficult undertaking for my children and me. Our lives were a certain way for so long and then they suddenly changed. Moreover, there had been so much havoc in our lives for the prior two years that change was inevitable. I had to make a choice to either deal with the same old heartache or to move forward and rebuild our lives. I chose to move forward.
I spent a lot of time trying to heal and I had almost forgotten that my children were healing too. After all, what had transpired had affected us all and we all dealt with it in different ways. They say that children are resilient when it comes to change and I want that to be true but as I watch my children evolve over the past few months, I am not always sure. I just know that we are getting closer to what “normal” is and what it will continue to be like. We are getting there but it is a work in progress. Our acceptance of our current life and what it can be is a work in progress.
For me, I recently came to an impasse in my battle with depression and the reasons for it. I finally accepted the fact that I was angry – at specific people, events, and circumstances. I always said I was not angry and I thought by not being angry, I was taking responsibility for my actions and my choices. It was not until I finally admitted that I was angry that I realized that I could truly heal. After I admitted my anger and why I was angry, I felt sad. Even though I felt my anger was justified, I hated that I could be an angry person. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that anger is normal emotion. I made choices based on what others expected of me and the lesson that I learned was that, I wouldn’t be happy if I continued down that path. I need to be smarter in the future so that anger or unhappiness doesn’t overcome me in a negative and destructive way.
I am learning to accept a lot of things but mostly, I am working on learning to accept that I am enough. I think that has been hardest part of my journey. I have spent a lot of time giving and giving because I felt that no matter what I did it was never enough. I felt guilty that I was sick and that my kids had a sick mother and I kind of felt that I wasn’t giving them enough. I also worried about my own health when it came to my mother – if I am sick, who will take care of her? I even worry about my relationship with the Almighty. Is what I give to God enough and does God think it is enough? I struggle with being enough as a professional and as a human being. A lot of that has to do with how I was raised but mostly, it has to do with the people I have let in my life, specifically the people who have hurt me. What have learned about hurt is that it isn’t about me, it is about them. We all have choices when it comes to hurt. We are either doing the hurting, we are taking hurt or we are strong enough to walk away from it. I have been made all of these choices at some point or another and I am learning from these experiences. I am looking at the lessons learned rather than the hate that they have left behind and I think I am wiser for knowing the difference.
I am a work a progress but I am getting there. The next time I open the door to a new chapter in my life…I want to be ready and strong enough to believe I am enough. And right now, it is just acceptance in progress but with each passing day, I am more confident that I can reach a point of contention with acceptance.