I struggled to awake this morning. I am just extremely tired and it doesn’t help that I am always trying to outdo myself. I think I need to learn that something being good enough is just good as it being “perfect” in my eyes. I have been reading a book called “Unglued” by Lysa Terkeurst. A friend of mine and I have started a study on the book and so far, it has been pretty revealing for both of us. The author admits that, like most of us, life can make us feel emotionally unglued. We push things aside, we blow up or react somewhere in between. She then goes on to share how we can let our emotions work for us rather than against us. So far, I am seeing what it is that I do on a daily basis that stumps all over my being happy.
In my last post, I questioned my ability to write a series of different types of articles. Having already submitted two of those, I have surprised myself and I am close to finishing the third. All I had to do was start writing and the words flowed. I have a bad habit of being my biggest critic. I always told myself that it was a good thing because it allowed to be better but the fact is, it forces me to constantly put myself down. I need to realize that I am not perfect and neither is anyone else. I worry and freak out that things aren’t perfect or good enough but in the grand scheme of things, my problem is priority, not perfection. Not everything has to be perfect and at the same time, not everything is priority. I just need to figure out what’s important at a given moment because the problem I face is that I think everything is priority.
Since being diagnosed with RA and fibromyalgia, one of things I had to tell myself and I had to learn to accept is the idea that maybe the universe wants me to have faith rather than a set of plans. I have long struggled with this notion that having faith is enough and maybe it is the type-A person in me but I think I need to start looking long and hard to find what truly means.
Whether we have faith in God or faith in the universe, faith is a great guide in this maze we call life. People often remind me that challenges can be so much easier if I have faith in God’s love and wisdom. Even as I write those words, I struggle with that – not that my belief in the Almighty isn’t strong enough but because I struggle with being worthy – to myself, to others, and even to the Almighty. I don’t always know how I can have faith in myself and if I cannot have faith in myself, how can I have faith in the Almighty and the universe.
I struggle when I come across pessimistic people and I hate when they vocalize their pessimism. I always try to be optimistic and when I cannot be, I am not vocal. The last thing I need is to feel like I am not broken or imperfect and I sure don’t want anyone else to see that. I struggle with understanding that I don’t always have control. I find that when I am faced with a challenge that is physical, I can focus my attention and declare that I have faith in God and his power to heal me and to guide me. I just don’t always know how to reach to God when I feel emotionally challenged. I keep telling myself that I have faith but I am not sure that I always believe it.
I want there to be more hours in the day so I can be a better person, a stronger believer, a more than adequate parent, and a loyal daughter, friend and sister. I struggle with all the roles I play in my life and sometimes, I wonder if I can truly to say that I have faith in the person that I am. I have faith in God but I am always hesitant to allow God to take a bigger role in my decision making and in the things that I want so desperately to control.
I know that I need to let go and have faith in something or someone or the Almighty. Unfortunately, there is always a “but.” The fact is that I struggle because I want to be in control and I don’t have always have that option so I beat myself up about it.
I have read that it is okay to release our emotions and not be so afraid of them. We should not fight or run from them or block them out. We should welcome them regardless of how they make us feel. God gave us emotions for a reason and they are neither good nor bad. The only way to deal with them is to feel them so I have remind myself sometimes to just close my eyes and feel my emotions as deeply as I can.
I don’t really know what it means to live in peace with my emotional state; I just know that it is important to make a choice to live in peace with myself, others, and my emotions. The fact is, I can only change myself. It takes a whole lot of strength to accept things that we cannot change and to focus on the ones we can. Only when we know the difference between the two can we truly have peace of mind. So, yes, that requires faith on my part and I need to accept that the universe does want me to have faith even though I don’t know what God has planned for me. I also have to have faith that God knows what is best for me and that maybe, just maybe, it is okay for me not to know what that is.