A Birthday Passed
On July 9, my late brother would have turned 33. I tried to blog about him and how I was feeling but I cried with every word I typed. The fact is that there is nothing that I can do to change the circumstances. He is gone and we are all left with an emptiness that cannot be filled. The fact is the loss of a sibling is like the loss of a limb. It is a part of you that you will never get back. The numbness and the sadness remain with you every day of your life and probably for the rest of your life.
All I know is that when Moe died, the world changed in a heartbeat. The thing about siblings is that they share a bond that is unique to them and is a part of their history. The death of a sibling shatters that bond and that history becomes a void that can never be filled. A part of me knows that my brother was once here and another part of me wants so desperately to hold onto fading memories. His being gone is reminder that I have lost a part of my past, my present and my future all at the same time and it is process every single day to make sense of that loss.
I miss my brother with every fiber of my being but I know that my brother would want us to move forward despite the blow we were dealt. I keep his photo at my desk as reminder to me how short life is and how important it is to treasure those we loves. Sometimes, it is if I see him staring back, and he seems to smile and say, “Don’t cry. I am with God and I will see you again someday.” While a part of me knows this to be true, I still want to cling on to the memories we shared. We have all changed as result of this loss but at the same token, we are still the same people we were before we lost him. The fact is simple – the more things change, the more they stay the same.
In a month, I will be school shopping for the boys. I cannot believe how fact summertime is moving. My sister from NYC and her boys are visiting so we are keeping the kiddos pretty busy. As our kids grow up, I cannot believe how fast and how much time has flown by. Looking at my own children and at my nephews and nieces, I am amazed how fast they have grown up and how fast time flies. I assume that my mother sees the cycle of life merely repeating itself. When I am grandmother, I am sure I will feel the same. After all, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I am busy with my job and my home life. After all, my student loan debt isn’t going to pay itself. As I ventured out on this beautiful day, I thanked God for the beauty of this day and for everything that I have been given. Yes, I have endured some tough times but I have come out stronger than I ever thought possible. I don’t have any regrets and my expectations have changed.
This weekend I will be spending more time with my sister and the boys. Raising boys is a great adventure and even as they get older, they continue to be energetic. They continue to fight and to love each other at the same time. I remember growing up and fighting with my sisters and despite that, I loved them and defended them outside of our home. I have said it before – the more things change, the more things stay the same. My sisters and I are very close and we continue to get closer everyday. As for my brothers, I may not share the same bond with them as I do my sisters but I would do anything for them and I would be there for them in a heartbeat.
Where is my Break Already?
My sisters and I took the kids and Mom to the zoo on Monday. I am still reeling from the joint pain after all that walking. The kids had fun and even the wild kangaroo didn’t ruin our day. Yes, a wild kangaroo – it was like something out of a Looney Tunes cartoon. He was going too fast for me to videotape with my phone. I think some kid decided to leave him a piece of candy because kangaroos are pretty gentle creates. We were in the Wallaby Walkabout when all this took place. The kangaroo was jumping as high as he could and throughout the walkabout. When I stay throughout, I mean that he was hoping around the visitors to the zoo and through the walkways. He looked like Wild E. Coyote chasing after the Road Runner. Well maybe the zoo employees were Wild E. Coyote and he was the road runner. No one could catch him. We scurried away with the kids because were worried all the drama would share the younger ones. However, my 14 year old nephew tells me they later shot him a sleeping dart. I guess he was due for nap like a worn out toddler.
Life at the office has been pretty hectic as the quarter ended last week. One of the clowns from the construction department asked me yesterday if I was glad the quarter was over. I responded telling him my quarter was not yet over. I still had a lot of catching from all the last minute stuff that came in. I will need another week to be caught and even all the working late hasn’t helped. I changed jobs and I am still busy as a bee. Yup, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have always worked for senior people so my workload as always been heavy and you know what, I couldn’t imagine my job being any other way.
I still want a break, however, but I know that this is the life of a working mother and in that case, I would not have it any other way. My kids will be grown up soon enough and I will have more time to myself and more time to focus on my career. I know people who talk about getting older like it is some kind of curse. As for me, I think getting old is a privilege and so many do not get that opportunity. The way I see it is I am fortunate to grow older because that means I get to see high school and college graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. I get to see my children turn into adults and I get to be proud of their accomplishments. Even when I am older and they are older, I will always know that the more things change, the more they stay the same.