June was not an easy month for me as I have spent most of it being sick and tired. Today is another day of being sick and tired. These are the days where I wonder what control I have and whether I am actually winning any battles. Sometimes, it feels like I never had a fighting chance. I just want to feel somewhat normal but I don’t even know what normal is anymore. Is it a state of mind or is it an actual thing?
Today has been a today of accomplishing very little. I had things to take care of and nothing has been done. I can barely keep my head above water. I keep telling myself that I am stronger than this but the more I tell myself this, the weaker I feel. One bad day can do that to you. I am struggling with understanding what this means for the overall picture. With the exception of my first year with RA and Fibro, I have never gone this long with symptoms. It is not just the pain, it is the feeling of being pain and the fatigue that are taking their toll on me.
I just want to me again – not the me before RA and fibromyalgia – just the me I was when my symptoms and pain were well managed. I am trying to get there but it is not an easy thing. People do not realize how difficult RA is and the majority feels that it is just a question of maintaining pain without realizing that there are other symptoms. It is the other symptoms that do me in. I have even dealt with my own share of complications such as the constant infections, eye issues, and stomach issues. All of these can be difficult for the RA patients. With fibromyalgia, it is not just the pain that gets me, it is fibro headaches and I am dealing with one right now. They are just as bad as migraine headaches.
I am trying to be strong but living with RA and fibromyalgia isn’t for wimps. I feel like I trade one for the other because one or the other or both are causing symptoms. This latest headache is has been pretty debilitating bringing with it neck pain. I found myself earlier near tears, some from the pain and nausea, and some from frustration. I stopped myself and reminded myself that tomorrow will be better. I want to enjoy the summer and get out of the house but so far RA and fibro made that difficult in June. Today is a new month, maybe this month will be better.