Posted in Motherhood, Tough Choices

I don’t think I would change a thing

There was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to focus on my career.  At some level, I still want to be successful in my career but at the same token, I want to be successful in my parenting and I want to be able to focus on my faith. I went from being career driven to being practical. Who would have thunk it? Right now, these two things are the most important things in my life.  Perhaps my thinking with change when the boys are older but for right now, I am just content being their mother. I never thought I would see myself envious of PTA mothers. Years ago, those ladies made me sick to my stomach. 🙂  More than anything, I just want to be more involved in their lives on a day to day basis. 

This week has been pretty challenging as my three year old and I have been sick with sinus and ear infections.  It has also been a busy week at home and at the office – at home with sixth grade projects that finished up last week and a sixth grade graduation yesterday and at the office with us getting close to quarter end.  Perhaps, it is just an emotional time for me but I am feeling kind of melancholy and I don’t use words like that one often. I just long for more out of life and right now, that is more time with my boys and more time to really focus on my faith.  Unfortunately, my job takes precedent over both of those things.

I know that I choose my career a long time ago and I pursued higher education to get further in my career.  I hold a master’s degree in legal studies and when I was desperately working for it, I wanted to be successful and now I don’t feel that same passion I felt back then.  I know that life has changed and humbled me and I also know that I have been though a lot more than most people.  

Having had to walk away from my daughters made me tough but it also closed my heart up.  It made determined to be successful because I felt like I had failed them. Then RA and fibro, financial trouble and marital discord took their toll on me and I learned to God and my faith for answers.  It was not until my brother died that my strong/closed heart could take no more.  I felt weaker than I had ever felt in a long time. At the token, however, it opened my heart up to love in a whole new way.  I saw my love for my family and God as the only way for me to prevail past that setback.  In fact, this love has been my guiding force and my saving grace for the past year.  It is that love that has forced me to see what is most important in my life.

If you have never been religious but have had some religious or spiritual teaching, setbacks like the ones I faced in my life force you to lean on the two things you can count on most, God and family. That is where I am at in my life and I don’t think I would change a thing.  If anything, I wish that my career didn’t hinder me from giving the best of me to my family and God.

My second goal for 2012 was to focus on my career as an advocate and the truth being, I am far behind.  There is a proposal I am considering and I have not really had an opportunity to think it through or to really discuss it with my family.  However, that proposal involves furthering my work as a health advocate and putting aside my career in the legal field. I am waiting for the right moment to present it and I also be 100% certain of the choice I am about to make. If that proposal works out as I plan, it would mean more time helping others and more time to focus on family and faith.  I am just waiting for the timing to be right to even suggest it.  Wish me luck. 

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