Posted in blessed, blessings

Taking a Long Hard Look

Tomorrow is that dreaded event that I have mentioned in prior posts that has been keeping me up at night. This morning on my way into work, I thought about how blessed am.  I have healthy kids (Thank you God), and despite my health being less than ideal, I am still healthy.  Despite dealing with financial issues over the past three years, those issues are near end.

I have family members whose children have developmental delays and they struggle with this on a daily basis.  Compared to that, my life is easy. I thank God every day that my children are healthy.  My sister is a cancer survivor.  Compared to what a cancer patient has to go through in one day, my illnesses are walks in the park. So many people have been affected by the recent bad weather and I still have a roof over my children’s heads. Three families in Chardon said their final goodbyes to three sons in the past week and I am fortunate that my children are safe. I am wrong to thing that my worries are so much harder than others. It is only when you take the time to see the troubles of others that your own personal troubles seem so small. 

One of things I did earlier this week was change the design of my blog. We could all use some springtime images to better our moods.  I visit often to prepare new posts, review old ones, approve and review comments, and even look at site stats.  I figure a positive design makes a lot of difference when you are already in a not so great mood.  The weather has been playing on my RA and fibro pain and my moods.  I have done what I need to go with the flare ups and flare downs in order to get through.  I have shut down emotionally and I have to say that due to the wild fluctuations in the weather, I am longing for winter to be over.  While I am enjoying the warmer weather (60s today), the back and forth thing is not working for me. My joints don’t like it and neither do my moods.

I am taking a long hard look at where I am at right now in my life. I have my family, my career and my health and a lot of people don’t have all that. My job performance review is Friday and because of that event tomorrow, it is the last thing on my mind.  I also have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that my children are priority.  I am a hard worker and a good employee but I don’t go out of my way to perform. I have other priorities and other stressors in my life. While my job pays the bills, it is NOT on my mind at the end of the day.

As a working mother, I cannot separate my home life from my job.  However, I can separate my job from my home life.  I have learned that my employers, and most employers, are looking for the opposite.  I have battled my demons on this one for many years and in the end, my home life wins every time.  If my kids get sick, I will take the time off I needed to take care of them.  If the school calls, I am not going to search for my mom or my sister to pick up and take of them, it is my job before it is anyone else’s.  I am not saying there are times where I don’t give the responsibility to someone else because I have had to do that on many occasions.  I just know when to decide which option I should take depending on the circumstances.

A year ago today, I started at my current position.  I left a much higher paying job downtown for peace of mind.  Even with the decrease in income, I honestly have no regrets.  My employers say that they understand my family commitments and while they do at some level, I can understand that they see my dedication probably isn’t as high as someone who doesn’t have kids.  I understand that I will get passed over for a promotion for someone who doesn’t have similar commitments. I get it and I accept it.  I have for a long time.  One of these days, I will find that job that makes me feel like I am making a big difference in the world.  For right now, I just need to keep a roof over my children’s heads and food on our table.

I have in recent weeks and even months taken a long hard look at the reality in front of me. I have it easy compared to others.  I am blessed with so much and I am so very lucky.  I have the grace of the Almighty at my side.

This was my horoscope this morning:

Take some time to break out of your normal routine, Lana, and see what is going on in the world around you. It could be that you are so focused and so driven on a specific goal that you are failing to take into account the rest of the world. You may not even be aware that these outside energies have a huge effect on what you are doing in your own little compartment.

I have for so long focused on what was going on in my life that I failed to take account the rest of the world.  My worries and problems are so small compared to the rest of the world.  That lack of understanding hasn’t allowed me to see what a good person I can be.  I used to be the person that jumped at opportunities to volunteer and help others. Of late, I haven’t even taken the time to see that I have failed at the one thing I thought I was good at – reaching out to others. I was so busy wallowing in self-pity that I completely forgot my own rule – “pity parties are optional.” I have taken a long hard look at everything that I have overcome in the past year and I don’t overcome it through self-pity.  I overcame it due to a lack of self-pity.  Yes, tomorrow is going to be a challenge but that challenge is only going to last between ten and thirty minutes.  That is a very small part of my day. 

When that small part of my day is over, there will only be documents to be pulled together and documents to be confirmed. That financial nightmare is coming to an end and I have to believe it.  If I continue to stress over it, my health will pay and really, all I am doing is causing myself stress that is unnecessary.   


One thought on “Taking a Long Hard Look

  1. My life has been rather busy lately and I find I have to remind myself at times that being mom is number one. I have lots of dreams and goals, but when it comes down to it, being mom is what makes me the happiest. You are doing a great job. You do have a lot to give this world.

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