Posted in Life in general

Now is not the time to mess with me

You know when you work really hard and no one notices. However, the minute you make a mistake the attention is all of a sudden on you.  Urggh!!! [Insert obscenities here!}  It is the end of the year/quarter time at my company and when the workflow gets bigger and rushed, mistakes will happen.  No one is immune but the problem is, every single person has this notion in their head that they don’t make mistakes but apparently, everyone else does.  

Now is not the time to mess with me especially when I am remembering last year whether I want to or not.

On December 14, 2010, I handed my brother the “Things that Cancer Cannot Do Poem,” and I thought it would help him to fight back but what I didn’t realize was that his battle with cancer was about to end.

This is the poem that I am referring to: 

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited

It cannot cripple love

It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faith

It cannot destroy peace

It cannot kill friendship

It cannot suppress memories

It cannot silence courage

It cannot invade the soul

It cannot steal eternal life

It cannot conquer the spirit.

-Author Unknown

I remember saying out loud cancer can damage the body physically but it CANNOT destroy hope, love or faith.  I would visit my brother every day in the hospital and I couldn’t wrap around my head that he was working 12 hour days only a couple months prior but he was struggling to breathe on his own.  I remember the day there was a snowstorm and my older sister and I stayed at the hospital with him pretty late because the roads were closed off.  It was a memory I will cherish forever.  My brother was playing the humor card by flirting with the pretty nurses and poking and kicking my sister and me. I remember thinking that some things don’t change but a few days later, I knew that they did.  My brother gave my sister and me a special memory of him that showed his playful side that I will forever cherish.  A couple days he slipped into a coma and we knew we were losing him.

I wrote on December 15, 2010 the affect that cancer was having on our lives. It had stopped us short in our tracks,, forced my mother to spend her days and her nights by his side, my younger sister to leave her children in order to be by his side, has forced all his siblings to try to stand strong in front our children even when we are barely able to, pushed our younger bother to leave college and return home to attend college locally so he can close by, and changed our lives in so many other ways.  Even though cancer had drastically affected our lives, we don’t regret being by his side. If anything, we were forever grateful to have been by his side.

Cancer took its physical toll on my brother and it took its emotional toll on the rest of us.  Sometimes, losing him still feels like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from.  I still cry daily because I still can’t wrap my mind around how fast we lost him and the fact that he is actually gone.   My brother fought a good fight and in the end, the cancer won and if not for our deep faith in God, I am not sure how we would have gotten through this – Mom, especially.  She is still hurting and she still has this emptiness inside her but she does what she can to move forward because he would want her to.

The only things that cancer can do are make a person very sick or take a life.  It cannot take away love, memories, spirit, hope, faith, peace, courage and so much more. One day there will be a cure and as many survivors as there are diagnoses and no family will have to go through what we are going through ever again.  The hope for a cure and the research, monies and effort is yet another thing cancer cannot take away.  That is because hope is always stronger than despair. – From my December 15, 2011 post.


5 thoughts on “Now is not the time to mess with me

  1. Holidays are always a hard time when you’ve lost a loved one. This will be our seventh Christmas without my Dad being here to celebrate the season with us. The empty place at the table he left will always be with us–but so will our fond memories of him. My job now is to make this time as lighthearted and happy as I can for my Mom, who feels his loss the most.

    I wish you a nice winter holiday, Lana, spent with your kids, your extended family and friends. Work is just work… things will slow down and smooth out into normalcy soon enough. Rest when you can and take care of yourself, will you? My thoughts are with you.

  2. A good friend of mine had a spot discovered on a kidney this week. Yesterday the doctors confirmed that it is indeed cancer. Enjoy today … you know not what tomorrow brings.

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