I am not good company these days


I am still feeling pain after the procedure.  It is mostly a dull ache in my lower back while the injection was done. I also have stopped taking OTC pain relievers because my blood pressure has been pretty high up there.  In fact, it was 159/99 on Saturday which is Stage 1 hypertension.  A year ago, it was in the normal range.  However, after the auto accident I found myself dealing with the stress of the pain and taking up to eight NSAIDs (Usually Aleve or Advil) a day.  Hopefully now, with the pain management injections and not taking any NSAIDs, it will go close to normal range again.  I am sure that I can take Tylenol but I am just trying cold turkey.

Going cold turkey, however, has been pretty hard. First, there is the withdrawal. I actually thought that since I wasn’t taking prescription pain relievers, there wasn’t a problem.  How wrong I was.  At least, if I was prescribed something, I would have taken it in moderation (i.e. one a day). Second, I am in pain because I am not taking anything.  I feel like Dr. House when he is off his pain medications.  Of course, I have more willpower than Dr. House because well I have done other things cold turkey.  However, the pain makes things a bit harder.

It hurts to be touched even.  My 11 year old hugged me yesterday and it felt like my spine was being pushed in.  I had to explain to him that until the injections do what they are supposed to do he is going to have to be gentle.  I don’t think he was happy to hear that. Kids don’t really like it when they can’t show their affection.  It was like when I said I was in too much pain to carry my three old year.  He got sad about it and told me he wasn’t heavy.

I know that the fact I am in pain, that I am not taking anything for the pain, and that I am dealing with a stressful situation, I am not good company.  On Sunday, I went to see a place and it was a place I absolutely loved.  I was going to fill out the paperwork and I was told that they had to verify my rental situation with my current landlord. I used my toddler being tired as an excuse to fill out the paperwork on my own and return later in the day.  I figured it made very little sense to pay the application fee when my landlord would not say anything good especially considering his property manager was constantly accusing my kids of things that they didn’t do.  People are unreasonable and explaining this to them doesn’t help you, it only hurts you.  Just like living with RA, explaining it to your coworkers and your employers will only hurt you.

For the most part, I am not in the best of moods.  I miss my mom but she is away doing her Hajj (religious pilgrimage) and I am happy for that she is there.  I just hate that life has been so hard lately. It is like I attract bad luck and maybe it hasn’t all been bad but the bad stuff seem to outweigh the good stuff.  Every day is a reminder that my brother is gone and I miss him terribly.  I am not sure that I will ever really come to terms with this loss.  I guess I am only human for feeling like this.  I used to think death was a scary thing but it we are the only ones who feel the fear and pain after a loved one is gone.  My blood pressure issues and pain issues are two things I aim to resolve because the one thing I fear is my kids feeling what I feel right now.  I have to take care of myself and my health for their sake.  That is why I forced myself off of taking anything for the pain.  I cannot allow the high blood pressure to turn into something for worse.

Anyway, if you were planning a visit, I am not good company. 😦  I had a good cry about that on Saturday.  It was something I needed to do and once I got that over with, I felt a whole lot better.  Life is stressful and often like a rollercoaster.  All we can do is hold on until we are able to get off the rollercoaster.  I am still holding on but this ride has been a long one.

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3 Responses to I am not good company these days

  1. DC says:

    Aw. I hate to hear that you are still feeling bad. 😦 I wish there was something the doctors could do to put an end to the constant pain! Mine isn’t as bad as yours, but it’s enough to be frustrating.

  2. Wren says:

    Lana, why can’t you take a normal dose (two Aleve tablets a day, for instance) for your pain? I understand wanting to stop taking NSAIDs in excess–they can do a real number on your stomach and liver, let alone possibly affect blood pressure–but surely a normal dose each day would be do-able? You’ve got a lot of pain going on, given the RA, the fibro and now spinal injuries. It seems self-defeating to try to get along free of any and all pain relief.

    I continue to hope that the epidural injections will relieve a great deal of your pain from the injuries. You might also ask if you can be referred to a pain specialist, who might have more ideas to help you with pain relief. It’s awfully hard to cope each busy day being a mom, an employee, a cook, housekeeper and chaffeur when you hurt like bloody hell. Please look into taking better care of yourself–and that absolutely includes aggressive, safe pain relief.

    My heart goes out to you. Sending all the calm, comfort, warmth and care that I can your way.

  3. MoninaW says:

    Even if you aren’t good company, I’d hang with you anyways. ((hugs)) my friend.

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