I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words to my recent post. Each of you is correct that it will get better and that most of my frustrations are because nothing is changing just yet. I think that, and we are all guilty of this, when are dealing with all this stuff, we have a tendency to forget that there are still good things happening in our lives. The truth is there are good things happening in my life but it is so hard to focus on those when the bad seems to triumph the good.
It has been nine months since we lost my brother. I keep trying to tell myself that it will get easier but I am only lying to myself. When I visit Mom, I ache for his silliness and the annoying things he used to have. Even though we never saw eye to eye, I loved all his quirky and annoying habits. Those are things I miss the most. He never knew how to be serious and when it was time to be serious, he even found humor in that. The summer before he got sick, we were not on the best of terms. At the time, I didn’t know what I did to upset him but my sister later told me that he felt that I didn’t pay enough attention to Mom. The truth is he was right and he was upset about it because it all fell on him. I was so engulfed in my own issues that I didn’t always make time for her. For God’s sake, she is my mom and I should have been there for her more. I know that when he got sick and before he passed away, we worked things out but there is always that nagging feeling of “what could I have done differently?”
The weather and the flare-ups I have been having haven’t helped my mood either. As you can see, I am not a fan of setbacks. I am also not a fan of going to the doctor’s because I have to miss work and it is a time consuming scenario. I am frustrated with the fact that I am always seeing the doctor and I am still not better. I am frustrated that despite the fact that I work my butt off and I have three degrees, I have nothing to show for it. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I have so much to be grateful for despite my health but it is hard when your health is the one thing that holds you back.
Life can be one heck of a mean teacher – first the test, then the lesson. Don’t you hate those kinds of teachers? RA and Fibromyalgia both have emotional aspects and I think that I have fallen prey to them as of late. I yearn to be the person I was before RA and Fibro ever came in my life. I never used to worry about being overworked or not getting to bed early but now, all these things affect I feel on any given day. I am not depressed but it doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments. Anger, helplessness, loneliness, wanting to understand the meaning of life, mood swings, etc. are all commons emotions when you live a chronic condition. We all go through the motions. I miss having more good days than bad and I hate that forgetting to take my medications and not getting enough sleep sends my body wondering what the heck is going on. Sometimes, I fall asleep saying out loud, “I am in so much pain,” as if somehow saying out loud will change something.
I know that what I am dealing with now will pass as any storm does. My mom often says that storms eventually pass and that the downpour isn’t long term. Sometimes I have to remind myself as these tough times are only temporary. Life is just like that. There are terrible blows that we endure and get through and then, there are other times where we simply have to cut our losses and just move on.
One of the things I have learned throughout the tough times is that I appreciate the simple things in life. I get to enjoy the simple things like a warm cup of coffee, time with my kids, and a weekend away once in a while. I remind myself about the simple things as I am dealing with the really big ones. You just have to get up and keep going especially when that is all you can do so -yes – the storm can pass.
I am fortunate to have so many to stand by me as I deal with difficult times. You remind me that this shall pass – the storm will eventually clear. Life will change because tough events change us. If anything, it makes up truly appreciate the good and the simple pleasures in life. The sun will rise again.