I have been keeping a low profile because simply put, I feel like crap. Between the back and neck pain from two herniated discs and a bulging disc from an accident over three months ago, my RA symptoms have been in full force.
About ten days ago, I went to see the medical doctor I have been seeing since the accident, this in addition to the chiropractor. He had already prescribed an anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxer. I took only a few doses of the muscle relaxer because it made me extremely tired and the anti-inflammatory has helped only slightly. The doctor ended up giving me a corticosteroid shot. This seemed to work beautifully except for the fact that the leg cramps I had been having had gotten worse to the point that they would keep me moaning in pain for 10 to 15 minutes and the inability to walk until the cramps calmed down.
The cramps that I have been getting are related to the disc issue in my back. They travel my lower back into the inside my thighs. The worst of the cramping happens in my inner thighs – one or the other – not both – Thank God! I talked to my chiropractor earlier in the week and he told me that the increase in the cramping is related to both the disc and the shot. In addition, he felt I might be dehydrated and suggested I get some electrolytes (i.e. Gatorade) in me. So, I did just that and drank more water. I saw some relief within 24 hours.
Lately, I have not been myself. RA and fibro flare-ups and flare-ups from my back injuries have not made my life easier. Since yesterday, it has been a headache, facial pain, and dry eyes. Probably a combined a RA/Fibro flare-up. I am due for another corticosteroid shot next week. I just want to feel better and I don’t know what that feels like anymore. Dr. Mike (the chiropractor) also gave me a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. I am praying I don’t need surgery because I am not sure that I can do it.
When RA and Fibro came into my life, it took a while but I accepted that this was my new realty. I kept going despite the blows and punches but I could have never imagined this. Right now, I feel like I am running out of gas and I am just chugging along.
In addition to the pain issues, I am spending more time at the doctor’s office than I would like to. That affects my work life. Moreover, I am dealing with the aftermath of our financial issues – the final blow I think. Believe me – it cannot get worse than this. Most nights, I fall asleep when my head hits the pillow because I am so worn out with everything life is throwing at me lately.
Right now, I am just numb and just going through all the motions. Why is it is it so hard to feel normal? I just want one day. Last night, I thought about how sick I have been in the last fifteen years. I don’t ever remember a time when I felt normal. My ex-husband made me feel like damaged goods because I was sick all the time and no doctor could diagnose me. I know I have come a long way, mentally, physically and emotionally.
My health has definitely taken a lot from me but it has also taught to be strong even when I have nothing left in me. That experience is what helped me get through navigating through all the decisions during my brother’s illness and all the decisions made after he passed away. It has also helped me to overcome the financial nightmare of the last three years that has not yet ended. I have finally thrown my hands up on that because I know it is no longer in my control. I just know that the answers are coming since I have sought assistance in dealing with this. My belief and my understanding towards my religion and my beliefs are renewed and I feel peace despite all chaos.
A former co-worker emailed me recently and told me about a death of someone who worked in my old office building. He had cancer and finding out, I find numb. Everything about cancer nowadays makes me numb. For my family, it has become a reality so I don’t feel anything anymore when I find out about a death or diagnosis. These feelings are only recent. A couple months ago, I would tear up and now, I just feel numb. Oh, the blows that life throws! Next week, August 31, marks sixteen years since we lost my dad and it is now over eight months since we told my brother. In truth, it doesn’t get easier. You just get numb.
Anyway, my horoscope for the morning – like I didn’t know this. Well the good news, season 6.2 of Doctor Who returns Saturday and a new episode of Torchwood Miracle Day tomorrow. Sci-Fi makes my life seem less complicated. 🙂
Slow down and rework your plans. Action planet Mars forms a stressful square with stern Saturn. You might meet resistance to forward momentum, and could feel limited by your boss or by restrictive rules and red tape. Feelings of frustration and impatience are possible. Let go of the need to get instant results, and instead focus on your long-term goals. It could be that you need to rethink your strategy before moving forward. Cancer, Libra, Aries and Capricorn could feel especially irritated by this influence.
On another note, someone from my past has been trying to communicate with me. She has sent me a friend request on Facebook and sent me a couple emails. I have ignored her requests – not because I don’t want her in my life but because I don’t want others in my life. She was one of my closest friends from middle school and through high school. We married brothers and we both got divorced so we went our separate ways. She is part of a past that I want to continue to keep behind me. This has nothing to do with her. It has to do with the fact that she still has an ongoing relationship with my ex, her ex and their family. I don’t understand why she is still a part of that but I am done with that and I don’t need to revisit that part of my life. Am I wrong?