Losing my brother was something any of us could have expected. Even six months later, it doesn’t make sense. I have tried to seek out the answers and I have asked God for them. I am not asking why my brother was taken from us. I am asking what it is I am supposed to learn from this loss.
Cancer took my brother and God took him so that he wouldn’t suffer – that’s what I tell my kids and more than anything, I want to believe it myself. While there is so much uncertainty in my life, I still trust God and I will continue to. However, my problem is not my uncertainty of God. Fortunately, I was raised in a home where God was always part of our lives and while I never had a strong relationship with God, I still had a relationship. My problem is that my brother’s loss shows me that the world is completely materialistic and that there is clearly something more when it comes to life and living. I just don’t know what that something is and I desperately want to know what it is. While I do know how I am supposed to respond, I feel so held back.
Tragedies force us to find a way to respond and to find solace in the aftermath especially as they relate to our emotions. How are we supposed to respond after such a loss? I kept my focus on God but I am not sure what specifically I am supposed to be focusing on. I know that I feel like things in my life are spinning out of control. I don’t know how or why. I am trying to steer control of these feelings and trying to make sense of everything that has happened to me and to my family. I know that the answers are with God but it doesn’t mean that I am sure of what I am supposed to do.
I know that God’s love for all of us is infinite and what I am going through has nothing to do with God’s love or lack of love towards me. I know that what is going through with my grief and my search for answers is just a part of life’s trials. The lessons we learn come through the most painful circumstances and all we can do is take the lesson learned from that experience.
Remember the story of Job (the Islamic faith refers to him as the Prophet Ayub). Job lost his family, his wealth, his health and even his friends. This experience forced him to grow closer to God. God rewarded him for his faith and his patience with a larger family and more wealth than he ever had before. Job’s story is a reminder of God’s lessons and what God has in store for us. Yes, we are supposed to learn from these experiences even when the lesson doesn’t always make sense.
I think that it is human to ask “why,” but it is also important to trust God. The thing is, sometimes there is no answer to “why.” The way I see it is that we must accept with certainty the times when things that happen to us that go beyond our logic and our beliefs because that is how God tests us. He also wants us to lean towards him for solace during these times. I have a problem when it comes to accepting things that I have no answers to and this is why I am so conflicted between my belief in God and my ability to question logic. I believe and trust in God and I am a very logical person – for me, everything should have an answer and in this case, it doesn’t.
I found this prayer and I have put it nearby where I can remind myself that life doesn’t always have to make sense and that if I put my trust in God, I will be able to conquer these feelings of doubt towards my beliefs and even my weaknesses. I have made some changes to it but it gets my point across.
Dear God: I am facing one of the hardest battles of my faith. Life doesn’t make sense to me right now, God. I don’t understand why things happen that you could prevent. My mind and my heart cry out for reasons and answers, yet I know that may not be for me to know right now. Either you are God in control of the universe or you are not God at all. I believe that you love me and want what is best for me, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Give me strength and grace to fight this battle. Help me to focus on you, remember your love, and take the next step. Amen.