I was recently telling a friend about some of the things I am currently dealing with. Nothing major, just life. I am seeing a chiropractor for my back and neck pain after the accident from last month. Unfortunately, I am still in pain and things are not getting better. My RA pain has been getting worse as a result of the accident and it is like one flare up after the other. I was so close to remission before the accident that I could actually feel it. My friend asked what I plan on doing, I told her I would just keep going. Going to treatment, going to work, going on with my life, and doing the best that I can to get through this, and I will. The other option would be to roll over and play dead, and I don’t think so.
I have also been pretty busy with other things like finishing up my master’s degree – I have one more week left of class and a final paper due so that is keeping me busy. It is also getting close to the end of the quarter at the office and there are of things that have to get closed out before the last day so that is keeping me busy. It is also summertime and I am spending a lot more time with the kiddos and just trying to live my life. Mom will be home at the end of the month and it seems like the trip overseas has done her good. She has recently has made some decisions that indicate that she is ready to move forward. It has been a tough road for her but she is finally accepting the reality that we have all been dealt and for her, her reality is much harder than anyone else’s. The tree issue at Mom’s place has been resolved as is the repair of my car after last month’s rear-end accident. Some other life issues are still being worked on and hopefully getting resolved but life takes time.
We are going six months since we lost my brother and I can tell you, it doesn’t get easier. Sometimes, I just want to forget and I can’t. It is something that is always on the back of my mind – sometimes, it feels like I misplaced something and I hate that feeling because whatever I have misplaced, I am not sure what it is or how to find it. Sometimes, I find myself crying out of the blue and I find myself sad for no apparent reason. I know that even when we move on, we still can’t forget our losses. Our family lost a young man who had not yet had an opportunity to live his life and it is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. That loss follows me everywhere I go. I think my mother and my siblings are in the same boat here. It feels like an ache in my heart every minute of every day and it doesn’t ever go away.
One of my dearest and closest friends is considering moving out of state. She has her reasons and I understand them but I can’t help thinking how much I will miss her. This is one person in my life who I share the majority of my feelings with because I know she doesn’t judge. I offer her the same. She is the one I turn to when life is has been cruel to me and I am the one she turns to. You know that friend that is there at a drop of a hat for you, that’s Rhonda and me. I am sad that she may be moving away but I am also happy for her. She and I are so much alike and she gets why it is so important for me to be strong because she is the same way. To us, our biggest fear is being weak and that is why lean on each other when things are tough.
So, in the words of Daryl Worley, “Sounds like life to me.” The funny thing is I never imagined myself waking up so much older but tragic events do that to you. The hardest part is finding myself sad for no apparent reason. I just get sad and sometimes even near tears and nothing triggers it. I worry about my kids more than I ever did in the past and I want to hold them close to me. I have learned how short life is and the loss of my brother has forced me to be numb and scared at the same time. I know that life is too short and I wish that I didn’t.
I have started to really wonder what happens after we die. I have wondered about the afterlife and I am not sure I understand if there really is one. I just know that I choose to let God in my life everyday so that I can conquer every day. That is all anyone of us can do. We sure as heck cannot roll over and play dead.