There had to be a time in my life where life was simple because I can’t imagine that my life was always like a rollercoaster ride. I look at just what RA and Fibro have brought into my life: pain, weight gain, a lot more sick days, and even heartache. It isn’t all negative though. It has been an experience in empathy and it has given me the opportunity to give back through advocacy. I am not the same person I was prior to my diagnoses and heck, I don’t even look the same.
I have gained fifty pounds and my body is always swollen so that does not help on any given day. Because of RA and Fibro in my life, I have found that my old methods towards aren’t working. If they were, I wouldn’t keep gaining weight even though I am eating healthier than I did prior to my diagnoses. There has to be more to it. Actually, I stopped gaining weight but it was only in the past year that I stopped. I suppose that is a good thing but it does not help me with the weight I have gained and I am having a hard time taking off because I am in too much pain or I don’t have the energy. Chronic illness does that to you and so does life and life’s stressors.
I am looking at myself and I am wondering how much more I can take. I wish that I could find a way not to let life get me down. I wish that I could find a way to be content no matter what life hands me. I thought I was content with life but I was wrong. I learned what being content with life meant by watching my brother battle cancer. He never took a moment of his life for granted and even on his deathbed, he embraced God in the way that he embraced life. I want to embrace life the way he did and I don’t ever know where to start.
All my life, I wanted but I never got. Maybe, it was because I set my expectations too high or maybe because I am not realistic. I thought I was but I was wrong. Happiness comes from within us and not what is around us. I sometimes have to remind myself so that I can be happy. I am learning that every day. I am learning that happiness isn’t measured by success or by money. I know that I want to be a lot of things but the person I love being the most is my children’s mother. Sometimes, I take on more than I can handle and I don’t realize how much that is hurting me. I have no time that is just for me. My time is dedicated to everyone else or every other project. And that has got to stop. It has to because I am burning myself out.
I am working on trying to establish some permanent changes to my life including to my health, time management, to making more time for myself, and trying to repair my marriage if it’s possible. I have never been the type to easily give up so I am not giving up. Yeah, life can throw us down, but it doesn’t keep up from getting up. I recently was at my brother’s grave and I asked him to help me figure this out and as I am making these choices, I feel him nudging me along, reminding me to be patient, and to find a way to be content with my life again. I know what he would want for me if he was alive, he would want to be happy and to find my way back to the happiness I once had.
So, I am taking some time to figure out who I really am. We all need that once in a while. It is about time I realized that when life knocks me down, I have got to get up.