Hello World is the title of a new Lady Antebellum song. It is the title of this post because I am making a choice to be a different person. The person I was many months ago put up with a lot including being mistreated. However, my brother’s death showed me that I was merely human because if I wasn’t, then losing him wouldn’t have hurt so much.
I visited Dad’s grave yesterday. I just happened to be in the area and I stopped there for a few minutes. I told Dad that I wanted him to proud of the person that I have become. Strong, determined, capable, and smart – just like he raised me to be. Dad died when I was 19 at a time when I really needed my Dad in my life. His death taught me how to be strong even when it felt like I had nothing left in me. Fifteen years later, I realized that his memory didn’t hurt anymore and I wondered why and that question was answered months later.
Fifteen years and three months after Dad’s passing, I lost my 31 year old brother to a very aggressive cancer. Did it change me? It changed every one of us, my mom, my siblings and me. Cancer took away a piece of each of us and it feels like I lost a limb. I ache and I don’t know how long I will ache but I am finally allowing myself to grieve. The façade that I put on for many weeks is something that I can no longer do. I had on through it all and I managed to be strong even when I thought I had no fight in me.
I have taken a bold step and made some choices that I probably shouldn’t have made while I was still grieving. However, the choices I made were thrust upon me and if anything, they were long overdue so it wasn’t as if I made choices without thinking. I made them because I had to and also, because I had for a long been considering them. My brother’s illness and death only forced to see the reality of what I was dealing with and I knew that I had to make a choice and the longer I waited, the harder it would be.
Now I have to be strong again and I know I have it in me. I live for my children and I always make a choice to be strong for them. And I have to do just that. Above everything that I am, being a mother is most important role. So for them, I choose to be strong.
I made a choice to be my own person. I made a choice to be a stronger and more independent woman. I made a choice to do what was best for me. As I look at my RA ridden hands, reminders of my diseases, I know with absolute certainty that I had to do what was best for my children and me. I had to be a mother but in order to be the best mother I could be, I had to make a choice to be respected. I believe that we have a choice to treat the people in our lives with goodness and kindness and people in our lives have a choice to stay or leave when we mistreat them.
Today, I am a different person and I say “hello world!”