There is so much in my life that we have no control over. I have in recent months found that out. I have been through a lot more than I thought I could handle. Needless to say, life since my brother died has been struggle for my entire family. We are still grieving and dealing with our grieving process each our own unique way.
It is the “what ifs” and “what could have been done differently” that haunts us. I recently read Soul Print by Mark Batterson and it moved me in a way that I never imagined it would. It made me realize that my past, present and my future are unique to me. I have always done the best that I could with any and every situation that was handed to me. I know that God sees me as this strong and capable woman even when I don’t feel like I am. I know a lot of people in my life do, mostly it is because I can handle a lot more than most.
My mom is the strongest and the most capable woman I know and being strong and capable, I get that from her. I am always grateful that I had her for a role model because I don’t think could have been strong without her example. While my mom and I have never really seen eye to eye on anything, my brother’s death has brought us closer together. I admire her strength and I know she admires mine. There is no question that we have all changed. Lately, I have seen a side of myself that is weak and while I hate it, I know it makes me human. That side of me that is weak wants more than anything to go back in time and change things and choices that I have made in the past but the strong part of me knows that I have to move on from the place at my at right now in order to stop revisiting the past.
All these recent changes in my life (which I will disclose at later time) are uncontrolled. They are happening whether I want them to or not. While by I am making the choice to move with the change, I am doing it because I have to not because I want to. My personal life and my professional life have thrown change beyond belief and that change is both good and bad. The good part is that I am moving forward and doing what is best for me but the bad part is that I really don’t want to and I am not ready. However, sometimes change doesn’t really wait until we are ready. I want things to stay the same and I know I have no control the fact that they won’t. Before RA and fibro came into my life, I was planner and while they took away a lot of that control from me, I still had control of my responses and my choices. These recent changes are showing me that I don’t always have control of those either.
I am reminded of the coffee, carrots, egg story through these recent events. As the story explained that while all three objects faced the same type of situation (boiling water), each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong and unrelenting but with the boiling water, it become soft and weak. The egg started out fragile but its outer shell protected its liquid inside and with the boiling water, it become hard. The coffee beans were unique because they changed in the boiling water and changed the water itself.
The response of the coffee, carrots and egg is the response is similar to the response many of seek in times of trial. Are we a carrot, egg or coffee bean? Often times, I feel like I am the coffee bean because when things get bad, I use it as an opportunity to become better and change myself and the situation around me. Other times, I am passive like the egg but I become bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart. However, this is probably the first time in a really long time that I feel like the carrot. I am losing my strength and feeling so very weak. I know that I can and will get back to being the coffee bean but that takes time. I have had so much thrown at me all at once and I still reeling from the first set of obstacles.
While these last few months have been trivial, I have leaned to God for guidance and support. He has been with me every step of the way. Sometimes, he is holding my hand, other times he is giving me a shove, and sometimes, he is standing behind me because I am making choices all on my own with true confidence. I think that hardest part is dealing with the things I cannot control and those are the times I ask of God to let me be the coffee bean so that I can keep going.
When you have a chance, check out my review of the eArthritisHealth website. It is a new arthritis site that offers a library of resources on joint pain and various forms of arthritis and their symptoms, cases, diagnosis and treatment options.