What if you could go back in time and change things you did or did not do? Would you undo things or decisions or even relationships? Do you think that you would have been happier, satisfied, and at peace if you had made different choices? These are questions I have pondered upon in the recent weeks. I think human nature is always to never really be satisfied and we constantly ask “what if?” Mistakes we make have a tendency to lead us down different routes in our lives. Sometimes, there is a downfall to those mistakes and sometimes there is an upside. When it comes to the downfalls, all we can is make the best out of a current situation or work to somehow change it.
I am not the same person I was before my brother’s illness and death. Actually, none of my siblings are nor is my mother. I have looked at two important aspects of my life that I need to change that I am working towards: my relationship with my family and my relationship with God. I did not have a relationship with my brother prior to his getting sick and that eats away at my soul. I have learned that life is too short and that we need to hold the ones we love close because we never know when they can be taken away from us. We should make memories with those we love and remind them often how much they mean to us.
My siblings and my mom have a better relationship with God than I do and that relationship helps help get through everyday now that my brother is gone. For me, my relationship God is still a work in progress. I am getting there and lately, I have been handed obstacle over obstacle and I have sought guidance and patience from God daily. God’s guidance and support isn’t always easy to figure out but it is always there with us every step of the way with us as we venture.
I am strong but unfortunately, I made the choice to be strong while everyone around me was falling apart. For some reason, I believed that someone had to hold everyone together through my brother’s illness and when and after he passed. I should have fallen apart like everyone else and I didn’t. In recent weeks, I have found out the effect that not going through the emotions has had on me. It has been hard and I am pulling though like I always do. I am just trying to figure who I am now and it is hard when I am being handed one obstacle after the next. Is this that who I am? A person who handles and endures regardless of the obstacle? Is that the lesson – I don’t even know?
The time that I am currently taking is my personal maintenance time. I am taking this time to overcome a variety of things and I am trying to move on without bitter feelings. I know that no matter what I do I always wish that I handled things differently just like I am beating myself up about my brother’s illness, his death and the relationship I didn’t have with him until he became ill. I visit his grave often and I tell him about these feelings and because I knew the kind of person he was, I know he understood that I was busy living my hectic life. He would never fault me for that if he were still alive.
It is not just that I am grieving – it’s more. When it comes to my feelings, I am an open book and not many people know how to express themselves like I do but when it comes to my past, I have a lot of secrets that no one in my life knows. However, in recent weeks, I am getting reminders of a past that I have tried to suppress and forget for so long. Basically, bits and pieces of my past are coming out. I have been through a lot and I have tried for so long to hide what I have been through. However, I figure the truth can only set me free and the past has more to do with what I have been through rather than what I have done. The actions of others who are throwing obstacles in front of me are reminders of a past I have tried to keep hidden. I don’t want to play the blame game as to how to things came out because I know that I am better than that. All I know is I have to overcome these obstacles regardless of how weak I am feeling right now. Besides, they are just obstacles and obstacles are made for overcoming.
My past is in the past and I have control of today. I have control of my happiness and my own destiny. I can’t go back to yesterday and I can’t let yesterday hold me hostage. I know that I can’t go back and change the past and I wouldn’t even if I could. My past made me strong but it also taught me not to trust. Life is hard but the past is part of the past. The future will be worse if I don’t let go of certain obstacles current and past in my life. I have to learn from my mistakes and move on.
I am working on my personal maintenance in terms of the overall person I want to be. Let’s look at it this way. If your car is not running, you stop driving it and take it in for service. If you air conditioner is not working well, you turn it off and clean the filters. Nothing in life works without maintenance, repair and update. We have to do these things to improve something and to extend its life. Life is like that too and we need to look at ourselves and figure out where we are, where we want to be, what we can do to change about ourselves, and recommit to our values and morals. Without personal self maintenance, we can get overwhelmed, burned and off track.
Everyday I am striving to be better and right now, I am dealing with many obstacles including some remaining aspects of my brother’s estate, my career, helping my mom and my younger brother (while they also helping me, of course), and my own personal responsibilities. While all of this is overwhelming, I am looking at myself in a different light. I am a different person than I was a few months ago and I am trying to find out who I am while I am going through these things. With RA and Fibro came in my life nearly three years ago, I changed and now, I am changing again, and it never gets easier. Change is always scary, isn’t it?
It may be a week or two before you see another post but it will come. I have a lot happening right now and I am taking things one step at a time. In addition to all these things, I am focusing on my personal self maintenance because I know it is just part of the change that is now apart of my life now and the change that about to come. I am evolving and growing because life’s lessons will do that to you.