Like the next person, I hate change but change is inevitable. Change happens and every moment of every day is about change. We try to stop change by holding on to someone or something even if we know it would be better to let go or even when we know, it is not our choice to make. We try to hold on because we are afraid of the unknown and we fear that the unknown is worst than the current situation we are in.
We also wish that change would happen fast or slow or would just stop for a moment, but even through our best laid plans, things don’t work out the way we want them to. I don’t think any of us every really feel comfortable with change even if we provoked that change. Change forces us to worry and fear because so much happens that isn’t in our control.
A change in my life is coming and it isn’t something I want to do. It is something I have to do. It is also something that is long overdue and I am scared. I don’t know what the outcome will be and I don’t know long it will take to happen. I just know that has to happen. I just wish it were easy or that there is a way to navigate quickly and harmoniously through this. I know what there aren’t any easy answers here but fear has kept me putting off this new chapter in my life for quite sometime. Fear has kept me from doing this and unless I do something, nothing changes and something has got to change here.
I know that change isn’t something I have any control of and change happens whether we want it to or not. However, in my case, it is not one thing that is happening. It is like a domino effect. My brother got sick and he passed away a few short weeks later. Then, I am dealt another tough card and before I can do anything, another one comes, and another and I am still reeling here. I am also alone here because I cannot reach to the comfort my family right now because they are all grieving too. I did, however, reach out to my friends, and their support really helps, but it does not change the circumstances. Only I can change the circumstances.
I think what I hate the most is not the perspective that is gained but the perspective that is lost. There is loss regardless of the gain and I hate that. I want to be grateful for the blessings my life so that I can move forward and those very blessings are the reasons I want to move forward but they are also the reasons I am afraid. I know that I am entitled to feel complete, perfect or whole and these are the reasons, I want to move on with this change but fear holds me back. All I know is I can move forward and let all the things I cannot control fall as they may, and then deal with them one step at a time and that is what I plan on doing but I can’t control the timing or the path.
This change that is coming is forcing me to be more proactive in my life. It is going help me get a better sense of who I am and allow me to see my values and beliefs much more clearly. I can’t control everything so the cards will fall as they may but at least – when all is said and done – I get this sense of peacefulness, accomplishment, gratefulness, and good intention as I move forward. I am taking a big leap here but it is a leap that I have to take for myself and for those I love. Of course, I am really scared but I have God guiding every step of the way.
A prayer for guidance -Thomas Merton, 1915-1968
My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not sense the road ahead of me.
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following your will
Does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
Does in fact please you.
And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always,
Though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
And you will never leave me to face my struggles alone.