Don’t you hate when someone says, “things always work out for the best.” I don’t think that things don’t always work out for the best. In fact, I believe that we have to make lemonade out of sour lemons. We can’t really tell the future and sometimes, bad things will happen and we always try to make the positive out of those experiences. I do that often to help myself get through what I have just been hit with. I keep telling myself that my brother’s death meant he didn’t have to suffer anymore, but I still wanted him to live. I still wanted more time with him and to make more memories. If it was up to me, he wouldn’t have died, but it is not up to me, it is up to the Almighty. I am not sure how something like this works out for the best but perhaps, the fact he is no longer suffering is the only comfort I have.
I don’t have a crystal ball and even if I did, I couldn’t tell the future. Loss and failure are reminders that we will never know what the future holds. Things that we should of and could have done differently are also reminders. I learned along time ago to let go of the future and live for today. However, I have only recently learned that all I have to do now is make memories that will last even through failure and loss.
I don’t know what things or factors in my life may or not work out but it doesn’t mean that I quit trying or dreaming or believing. It just means that when something bad is happening to me, it will eventually pass and will be a memory soon enough. Sometimes, things that seem awful in the short-term can pay off in the long run.
You know that saying, “when things get tough, the tough get going?” I am tough and I have learned that imagining the worst or fearing the future doesn’t really help me to stay tough or get through the obstacles I am handed. Sometimes, I find myself dwelling at the past even though the past is over because the things that I dwell about have to do with my failures. I often forget that I did the best that I could have considering the circumstances or the situation at the time.
Tomorrow will be a month since my brother passed away and while I am still grieving, I have been dealt another really tough card. This card means I am about to embark on journey that is long overdue. I am about to make some really tough choices and I am scared. I am scared because the journey isn’t one I want to take, but it is one I have to take. In addition, it is hard knowing that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I failed. As many in my life know, I hate failure and I hate even more that I failed despite my best interests.
In recent years, I have learned that sometimes things happen to you that you have no control over, but it is how you play the game that counts the most. For the first time in my life, I feel my weakest and maybe it is because so much has crashed down and into my world that I feel really helpless. All I know is that I am taking God on this journey with me. I am going to ask for his guidance every step of the way and I am going to pray that he helps to heal me as I struggle to find answers and to make lemonade out of really sour lemons.
I want to believe more than anything that the choices I make will be for the best but I don’t know what the future holds. I just know that I have to make them and the choice really isn’t up to me. This decision has been staring me in the face for some time now, and I know that now is the time to start my journey and to figure out what it is I need right now. I have to believe that while everything seems bad today, maybe tomorrow will be better. The universe works in the most mysterious ways. The only real role I have is to just show up and have faith.
I have God on my side and with God, everything is possible. Right now, I am still grieving and I have been hit a really hard curveball and I haven’t really had a chance to get up from the first series of curveballs I was hit with. Now, that I have been hit with another, I really don’t want to get up but I know I have to. I have to because no curveball should hit someone when they are already down. It is my way of saying that I have the courage to get up when no one thinks I can. Despite how weak and vulnerable I am right now, I am going to be the strongest I have been in a really long time.
God, I need you. Carry me when I am weak. Hold me when I am tired. Love me when I cannot care anymore. And when I huddle lonely and afraid, cover me with your strong protective hands. Guard my sleep and wake me in the morning, rested and strong, and ready to try again.