There is no question that I am still grieving but I am hoping that 2011 is a better year for all of us. I have made so many new friends through blogging, Arthritis Connect, Fibromyalgia Connect, connections with my career, and even got in contact with old friends in 2010 and in that respect, it was a great year. In 2011, I want to celebrate life and nothing more. Because I am a type A person, I have spent a lot of my life being competitive and I need to stop because I have learned how short life is. In addition, finding my way back to my faith has shown me that the only things we take with us when our time comes are our good deeds and as a result, I want to be a better person. I thought that I was a good person but I am not so sure anymore.
Being a better person means that I allow others to be better by helping them. My successes have already come and it is time for others in my life to be successful. I still have things on the “to-do list” but they are not immediate and many of those things can wait until my kids are older. Right now, my priorities are with my mother and my children because they need me now and in 2011, my priorities will be about them and until they no longer need me, my priorities will continue to be about them.
A lot has happened in the last couple months to my family and I am completely numb. Once in a while, the tears will fall when I think of my brother but I spend my days in a trance wondering if everything that has happened is real. For example, my brother worked as a security guard and sometimes, his assignments were in really bad neighborhoods. I always worried that while I was listening to the morning news on the radio during my drive to work, I would hear something horrible, like he got shoot or he shoot someone. This morning, I almost started to think that, and then it occurred to me, he was already gone and the tears came. I know eventually we will get used to a life without him but it never really gets easy. In September, I realized that I stopped missing my dad and something I told me that I would end up missing someone else as a result. It is funny how life works like that.
When it comes to being fragile or weak, I am not that. The person that I am in stands strong like a small ship in a storm – broken, damaged, but still hanging on. Sometimes, I hate that I am that way. My older sister grieves by hiding from the world. My mom falls apart when she is alone and my two younger sisters cry and show that they are hurting. Me, I stand like that small ship in the storm holding on despite the pain and the hurt. I keep going because I know that my life and the lives of many in my life depend on that and they need me to hold on so that they can hold on. I have a picture of my brother at my desk and sometimes, I feel him telling me that it is going to okay and that we will all get through and that helps too. I don’t have any regrets right now expect that I wish I had had a better relationship with him but as a friend told me, “you will be closer to him now than you ever were,” and I do believe that.
Thank you for all the comments and kind words in recent weeks. I have read your comments and they have helped me a lot. I have not commented because I don’t always have the words. Your words have really helped me be that small, yet strong, ship in the storm and I thank you for that.
I am coming into 2011 forever changed. At the end of 2010, I repaired a lot of bridges that I had burned in the past. I made up with all the people in my life that I was angry with and the sad part was that it took my brother’s funeral to come to that impasse. I know that tragedies like this change people but I wish that I had been a better person before so that I didn’t have all those bridges to repair. That is all behind me and now, I can focus on the future a changed person.