Posted in Tough Choices


I want to blog and all I want to think about or write about is my brother.  I miss him and I hate that he is gone.  I hate that I feel so empty inside but I am still grieving and I am still mourning.  I am angry at the disease but I am not angry at God.  He called my brother home and I understand that but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him or that I don’t wish that he wasn’t diagnosed early enough that he would have had more time with us or even gone into remission.

More than anything I know that he wouldn’t want us to hurt this much because I know how humble and modest he was.  He was content with everything that life handed him and even when he was dying and at his worst, he accepted his fate with such dignity and humility.  He never once said that he didn’t want to die.  What he said was that he accepted the cards he was dealt and all he wanted was his family all around him.

I know that we are lucky because we were given the opportunity to say goodbye.  So often, people don’t get that opportunity.  My brother had his family around him in the last few weeks and moments of his life and I am so appreciative for having had that opportunity.  In the end, the cancer won but my brother never stopped fighting and he fought one heck of a battle.  He was loved by so many people and he is so missed.  What he won’t be is forgotten.  He touched so many lives in his 31 years on this earth and we are lucky ones because he touched our lives for 31 years.

We are coping but we are still grieving and mourning.  His memory will hurt for a long time but he will never be forgotten.  He left behind a mother, six siblings, nineteen nieces and nephews, an amazing extended family, and friends who adored him.   He was loved by so many and I know he deserved all that love.

R.I.P. 7/9/79 - 12/20/10

6 thoughts on “Coping

  1. What a beautiful tribute to your brother. Grief & mourning do not have a time limit. If you need to write about your brother, do it. No one would expect you to do anything contrary to what you are feeling. love ya, girl.

  2. I know this is a selfish comment.
    Reading about your brother and what you are dealing with has helped me. I was feeling sorry for myself after being diagnosed with RA.
    But, my troubles don’t compare to the pain and grief that you and your family are going through. In a strange way you have lightened my load.
    If you feel the need to write about your brother the do it. You might think it is only selfish to do so but it is not.

  3. Lana, my deepest sympathy on your deep loss. I can tell from the way you wrote about him that your brother was an extroidinary person and touched many lives. A loss of this magnitude put things in perspective and helps many people realize what they are going through is not so bad after all. Remember that there are 5 stages of grief and there is no clock or calendar attached to the stages, you go through them at your own pace, just as the other members of your family and his friends will. Do not compare your grief progress with anyone else’s, take the time you need to heal. Consider a grief group, offered through many hospitals and funeral homes free of charge. Just as this online community helps you deal with your physical auilments, a grief group can help you deal with your emotional loss. I will keep you and you family in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. Hey, great post. Great blog. It is fresh and to the point. I just read literally dozens of blogs, because I can’t sleep, and yours is by far the best quality. You know it is rare to find decent content on these things… Most of them are cheap and spammy.

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