It feels like it has been a very long week. With my RA and FMS symptoms taking turns ganging up on me, I really wish I could sleep for a full 24 hours without being disturbed but I can’t. I have a job to do, children to take care of, a home to clean, three loads of laundry waiting for me upon my arrival home, a trip to the store to pick up Pull-Ups for the rebellious toddler who refuses to wear a diaper, a husband who walks around all melancholy because he has little responsibility and thinks he has a lot, an empty fridge because I have not had a chance to go shopping, and so much more. On the bright side, I won some chocolate – talk about making my day.
I received a text message this morning from one of closest friends, Rhonda, telling me she was thinking of me and she wondered how I was feeling with this damp weather we are having. What I like about Rhonda is that she knows when I need a pick me up and she also takes the time to understand my conditions. She knows more about RA and Fibro than my husband does and having a friend like that is wonderful.
Right now, with this fibro headache, I really need someone to peel me off the ground – may be a massage for those tense shoulders too. I think my family thinks I am invincible and they forget that I am human. Sometimes, their demands make me wish I could get into my Subaru Outback, start driving and not look back – but, everyone knows I am too responsible to do such a thing. I am going to stop complaining considering this is the life of every working mother in America. Yes, we all want to get into those minivans and station wagons and runaway but we know that if we did, we could not sleep at night.
I have doing some new things including taking on the role as the patient advocate at Fibromyalgia Connect and becoming a health care blogger. In case anyone has not noticed, I like feeling important and useful so that one of the reasons why I stop myself when I realize I am complaining about how busy my life is. I love my life despite all of its twists and turns and even the obstacles that get thrown in my way. I know it is not easy being me and I know it is not easy for my family that I am obsessive or that I am an overachiever. I don’t know how to pace myself and I don’t stop until my head hits the pillow at night. While many people would look at me and say that I am overwhelmed, they don’t realize that I strive for challenges and I am capable of handling the stress. There are days where RA and Fibro make it hard, but I have learned to pace myself on those days and to focus on my goals on my good days. That is my balance and I know that if I let my conditions stop me, it will be a permanent thing and that is definitely not the person I am.
I am proud of my ten year old – all A’s and B’s on his report card. I know all that money for tutoring paid off. I noticed the other day that he was turning into me and I am not sure how to take that. He is doing well in school, playing the viola for the 5th grade orchestra, involved in the sports club, reads a lot, spends time with his friends, helps generously at home, and thinks he does not have a lot going on. I want to stop my son from burning out but I am not sure how much of an example I am setting. It does not help that I can be a drill sergeant with my kids and myself. When I realize I am playing the drill sergeant role, I stop but I don’t always realize that I am doing it.
I only have two classes left to complete my master’s degree and while, I have dreamt of going to law school, I have decided that it’s no longer part of the plan. I love my life where it is at now and I just don’t see any reason to want more. It is time for me to start looking at my children’s victories because I have already had mine. Does that make sense to anyone?
My brother is into his third week in the hospital and we are still being kept in the dark about how his health. As of this weekend, his kidneys are failing and he may need a transplant. However, I don’t know the time line nor do I know his treatment plan for the stomach cancer. My family is secretive and it is something I have gotten used to after all these years. Being the black sheep in the family, you know how to rebel and get answers. My sisters accepted the answers that they were given and I refused. I interrogated my mother on Sunday about how bad things were, about the kidneys, and the treatment plan. I definitely got more answers out of her than my other siblings did but there are still pieces of the puzzle that are missing. Once I had answers, I called my siblings and told them and now, my mom and my brother are both mad at me. Welcome to my life.
Now, I am waiting to see who will be mad at me next. I have been the black sheep all my life and when I was younger, it bothered me but the older I get, the less I care. I spent a lot of my life trying to prove something and the fact is, I have nothing left to prove. I am the most educated and the most successful of my siblings and I have run out of things to prove. I feel bad that I interrogated my mother but I had to and it was the right thing to do; now I wish I didn’t feel so guilty about that part. I so suck at being a daughter. When I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that one day I would have a kid like me that would put me through all the same stuff I did to her growing up. No wonder my head is always spinning!
Is it still Wednesday? This is where I would rather be.