Way back when my life wasn’t chaotic, I was into dream interpretation. I studied everything I could about dreams, what they meant and the symbolism behind them. People used to ask me to interpret their dreams but it is not something I do anymore. In fact, I don’t dream very often either. However, last night, I had a dream, about twins. In addition to the two boys I already have, I was raising two more boys: twin toddlers. Talk about nightmare and as if I was not overwhelmed.
I was so relieved to wake up and realize that it was all a dream. Now don’t get me wrong, I love kids and I would to have more kids but my priorities have changed. Also, I know I am not pregnant so no one please suggest that because I don’t need any more surprises. I have many reasons including my health, my career, my age, and even the fact that I am so ready to just get the children I already have grown up so that I can have a life of my own. I think that that may make me selfish somewhat but it also makes me human. I love my kids but braces, college and all the other expense that they have don’t pay for themselves. Now that my youngest is a toddler, I get a full night’s sleep and believe me, I love getting a full night’s sleep. The world needs me to get a good night’s sleep.
Okay, so we know I am not pregnant so what does a dream about twins mean anyway? It means that there are conflicting factors in my life – geez, who would have guessed? They signify ambivalence (mixed feelings or emotions), dualities (two-fold), or opposites. They also represent security in business, faithfulness, and contentment with life – all issues that I recently have conflict with in my life. A dream about twins means that either there is harmony or conflict between ideas and decisions. Twins also represent the human psyche: one signifies suppressed feelings and the other the conscious mind. Wow! My life is chaotic – who would have guessed?
As tough as I am, I am also weak. I know that and I wish I didn’t. I have dealt with some heavy blows in the last couple of years and I feel like I have come out of them much older. I hate that I am strong to the point of being numb and sometimes not caring. I care about my family, I care about my career, and I care about complete about complete strangers but I am so numb that I can be emotionless. To me, pain is numbness rather than actual pain. I don’t know if it has to do with the fact that I live with chronic pain or the fact that my life changed all at once, with a new baby, two new diseases, and financial nightmare and I managed to stand vigilant through it all while my husband was falling apart.
Now, I feel like I am older and like I have lost the part of me that made me human and as empathic as I am, I sometimes feel like I don’t care. The odd thing is that I do care but I have no emotional response. How do you get out of that? How do you heal when one day you wake up and feel much older? You really can’t turn back time and all you can really do is live in the present and welcome the future.