Chronic illness can put a person in a deep and dark place if we let it. Sometimes, it forces us to want to give up and perhaps not give a crap about anything or anyone around us. Living in my body feels like I have lost something near and dear to my heart. I know who I am and who I want to be but my body dictates all these factors. I often say that attitude and response have more to do with a person than the disease but when you find yourself exhausted and ready to hit a brick wall, you have to stop and sometimes, when you stop, you don’t always know what the next step is or what you are capable of and it’s not you talking, it is the disease.
There are many times, I find myself unsure. It is like I am staring at a brick wall and I don’t know that I should turn around or make a left or a right. I love that God gave me wonderful children, a great mind, and this amazing ability to be strong when it feels like strength is the last thing I have but sometimes, I am not happy with life. I want more for myself and there was a time I expected more from myself.
I am a type A person, a go getter and a fighter but when the brain fog kicks in, I am lucky I can drive my car. Lately, it seems like the brain fog wants to dominate my life and when that happens, I turn into an emotional wreck. Either I am sad, crying or numb and I want to smile, be happy, and I want to be me but gosh darn it- my brain – my healthy mind – is acting the same way my body does daily. I want to control something and lately even the one thing, I thought I could control is getting the better of me. It is frustrating and as determined as I am, the brain fog, the fatigue, and the pain slows me down. I can handle one symptom at a time but I cannot handle all three at once.
I am still content with my life but the happiest time in my life was when I knew what I was capable of achieving and when I could work towards promotions and being the best at what I did. There are the things I long for but chronic illness has proved it can stop me dead in my tracks and send me straight into that brick wall. While I am content with everything that I do and have, a part of me wants more and life without RA and Fibromyalgia would be nice. I am unhappy because I am not striving upwards and I don’t not how I can change that. My sister tells me to change my thinking and that what I am doing now is just as important as going upward, but I like being better and the best at what I do and RA and FMS don’t allow me to get my adrenal pumping. The only thing they allow me to do is get exhausted after going up two flights of stairs.
The person that I am is an overachiever and for some reason, my body is stopping me from being that overachiever and it is frustrating. For some women, being wives and mothers is their achievement and while I do like being both of these things, I like having a life outside my home where there are ladders climb. I can’t be more when I fall asleep if I sit down or when I am tired no matter how much sleep I get. I am trying everyday to find myself, to accomplish goals and be successful, and I can’t because the pain, the fatigue and the brain fog dominate my life.
I am tired of being sick. I am tired of waiting for results. I am tired of being tired. While I know that I am not the only one who deals with these issues, and I know there are days where I can overcome these feelings, I hate that chronic illness makes me weak.
Two years ago I was diagnosed and in the process of getting sick, being in pain all the time, and finding treatment options, I gained sixty pounds and the only good news came when I stepped on the scale this morning and found that I had lost six pounds. I couldn’t believe it so I moved the scale to the other side of the bathroom to make I wasn’t hallucinating. These little victories are the ones that keep me moving and being hopeful but I am not immune from the frustrations and complexities that these conditions to bring to our lives.