Posted in Chronic illnesses, Life in general

The Move and Some Catching Up

The move to WordPress is one that I have contemplating for awhile but I kept putting it off because I knew, unless I wanted to start from scratch, it would involve work.  It is like everything in life and it only took me a day and an evening, but I think the move is complete.  You can subscribe either by following through Networked Blogs or by email.   I wish it was as simple as blogger for following but it is not. So, I am glad you are still visiting my blog.

Many other things have been going on in my life including the launch of Fibromyalgia Connect.  My work with Alliance Health is something I am very proud of and while it does consume a lot of my time, it makes me happy.  I have spent 10 years in the legal field and I cannot say the same thing.   You may think that maybe I might have gone into the wrong field but I really do love the legal field.  However, my job has gotten mundane and with this current economy, it is hard to move.

I have been reading The Law of the Garbage Truck by David Pollay and I have an upcoming review and giveaway for the readers of this blog about the book.  I came across David’s “law” a few years back and it is something I believe in.  I know that life is hard and this economy is one that leaves us weary but we are still people and we have the opportunity to learn how to be better people every day.  In addition to not letting others dump on you and not dumping on others, David discusses gratitude and how if we choose “gratitude over garbage,” the world will be a better place.  David’s blog is also about “the law” and building “gratitude chains.”  I implore everyone to visit the blog and purchase the book because life is too short to walk around being garbage trucks or to let others dump on us and then, spread their garbage.

David’s book has come out at a point in life where I really need a reminder.  My health could be better but with winter approaching, I am not symptom-free.  I have been having sleeping issues and brain fog.  No matter how much I sleep, I am exhausted and that is playing on my emotions.   The brain fog isn’t helping either and it is going to get me in trouble at work if I do not get my act together but the brain fog is a reminder that sometimes our health wins and other times we win.  Again, we can only choose how to respond.

In addition, I have been dealing with trying to sell that property that has been the source of a whole lot of financial headaches at my house.  It is vacant; I cannot continue to pay taxes and utilities on it and I am willing to take a loss.  I will use the money to pay off our remaining debts that started two years ago when my husband made some bad investments at exactly the same time he was out of work.  The whole financial situation has also been the source of many arguments at my house and with my husband taking the “it’s not important” approach, sometimes, I am not sure what I can do to make these issues go away.

Since the entire mess started two years ago, my husband has completely ignored our debts and left me to pick up the pieces.  That has not changed and I keep telling myself that once the remaining debt is cleared we can go on with our lives and salvage our marriage, but a part of me knows that that may not be true. The damage has been done, and I don’t know if we can back to who we used to be.  I have contemplated leaving him on many occasions and I have asked him to leave as well but at some point, I have to realize that he doesn’t want the “old us” back. I want to believe that as soon as this mess is cleared, I can find the old us, but money is source of most marital problems and I am sure anyone can come back from the fall we had.

I have tried to keep my marital problems out of my blog but someone told me recently that I wasn’t proving anything or hiding it, it was obvious by the statements I was making related to dealing with these financial issues.  The man I married changed when he found himself in place he couldn’t get out of and when I tried to help him, but he didn’t want my help and that changed me, along with my illnesses.

I have spent so much of my life wearing my heart on my sleeve and now, I just want to keep it locked up so I don’t have to face the things in my life that I cannot control. I thought that once I finally found out who I was after my diagnoses, I was comfortable and now, I have to find out who I am again and I might have to do it without the person I have been with for almost eight years. It is a scary thought but if I have learned anything is that sometimes you can try to fix things, but if they are really broken, they cannot be fixed.  I know that I can be “me” without my husband if I have to be, but I don’t really want to be.


5 thoughts on “The Move and Some Catching Up

  1. 1. Congratulations on being the advocate for another site/health issue! You truly do make a difference.

    2. This is a bad time to be selling a house. Good for buyers, bad for sellers. However, if it is a white elephant that is sucking you dry…. I wonder, could the home be used as a starter for abused/abandoned women and children? Maybe contact your local abuse shelter and ask? Be it a good renter (an association) or buyer, it would be cool.

    3. We all have marital problems. We all need to talk sometimes. Your writing here tends to show the hard feelings that you have towards your husband, with good reason, btw. I just think it is up to each individual how much they want to share or hold back.

    Love ya, girl!

  2. I just wanted to say how brave you are, its amazing that you can face all of those things. I dont have that many issues with my husband but there are times when I thought wow, I dont think I could ever leave even if I wanted to…. because I cannot work at this point I would move back with my folks and that would be it for me and my kids. But you, Lana, are much braver than me. You will find yourself again and be all the better for it! Good luck with whatever happens.

  3. Lana, so glad to see you’ve made the move – literally and figuratively. Congrats on the blog move. And I wish you the best with your personal life (because I know with RA, you will always end up on top!)

  4. Lana,

    I commend you for your honesty. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to share what you have. Thank you for trusting us with the intimate details of your life. It only makes us love you more. I hope you felt at least a shred of relief getting it out. I’m so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with an unsupportive spouse during a time of your life when you need support the most. 😦 Wish I could give you a big hug.

    I know the stress that a marriage without peace can bring. It’s awful isn’t it? My first husband just about robbed me of my spirit. I felt like I was fading away. I tried everything–trial separation for half a year, counseling, and more counseling, intervention, etc. He continued to be abusive physically and verbally and drink in excess. So, I finally had to do what was the unthinkable for me. It’s so hard when children are involved. My boys still ache from the divorce.

    I woke up this morning thinking about you. I’ve always had a sense from your writing that you were not in a supportive marriage. I will be praying like crazy for you and your family. -Kelli

    1. Thank you Kelli. I am one of those people that what you see is what you get. I am honest with who I am and what I want out of life. THank you so much for your support and find words.

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