Posted in Motherhood, toddlers


We went to see the orthopedic doctor to see whether Elliott would need a cast for his elbow fracture. I am still walking around with the invisible “crabby parent” label taped to my forehead because well, I put it there. I question everything I do and everything I am. I have learned that questioning myself is a good because it forces to get better answers or better ways of doing things. That is just who I am.

Lately, there has been a lot I have been questioning. One question is particular is whether my current rheumatologist has my best interest in mind. I am constantly explaining to her that I am not sure the current medication I am taking for my fibromyalgia is working for me and that I am ready to try something different, but she doesn’t seem to be listening. The other issue I have been bugging her about the fact that a year later on plaqenil my eyes are bothering me. Her response: “call an eye specialist.” I want to be off the plaqenil but since I cannot just get off the medication without my doctor’s approval so I did the next best thing, I made an appointment with a new rheumy whom I will be seeing at the end of the month. I am not going to take no for answer because there are always better answers. We just have to be willing to look for them.

Like the next person, I hate change but without questioning things, people would not be able to think for themselves or to make change happen. It was philosopher Descartes that said that we should question everything. Another great philosophical mind Socrates said we should call everything into question. Descartes also believed that we should think for ourselves and placed a huge importance on that belief. Socrates is often criticized for his views as many feel that they come out ignorance. The reason is that Socrates felt that we should still rely on the views of others who are wiser than we are. (Apparently, Socrates does not think we are capable of finding answers.) The view does not allow persons to think for themselves and to find answers for themselves so it contradicts Descartes’ view that we should think for ourselves and find answers.

All my life, I have asked questions. From the moment I could speak, I asked why. It drove my parents and my teachers crazy. When adults didn’t have the answers, I looked for them myself. I never stopped asking questions and looking for answers and it worked out well, as I had to when it came to my health. I am not the type of person who simply takes an answer just because it is given. What is weird is that I think that I have met my match in my children. They ask questions, have opinions, and they don’t always take the answer they are given to be true.

So, the question I have is how did my precious little angel turn into a suicidal elf? Five minutes after we walked in the door with the new cast, my toddler climbed up on the coffee table and went for the gold as the if the blue cast on his entire left arm was only a bronze medal. Seven years ago, I thought I put the suicidal toddler years behind me. I only stopped counting grey hairs three years ago. Now, I am reliving what I thought I put behind me. It is time to add more light in my bathroom and start counting the grey ones. I also hate to admit it but my mom was right when she told me that climbing and jumping off high places (the garage and several trees) would break my bones. I had many broken bones as a tomboyish little girl and wore my share of casts, splits, and Band-Aids. I suppose the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

I will try very hard to not kill myself in fear and guilt because I am raising boys. It is not going to be easy, but if all else fails, I can babysit for my sister. She has three boys, ages 16, 14 and 13, and guess what, many broken bones later, they are still alive.


5 thoughts on “Questions???

  1. Advice everyone should heed. Continue to ask questions! If you feel something is wrong with your body, find a doctor who will listen to what you are saying!I'll send a case of bubble wrap for the kiddo. LOL

  2. Lana, I can understand you questioning your rheumatologist on your best interest. Last month when I spoke with mine, he didn't hesitate to say we may need to change meds, but asked me to give it 3 more months first. No one has your best interest in mind more than yourself. There is nothing wrong with your suicidal elf, he just discovered gravity. I am living proof that we pay for what we put our parents through. Last week I had to help my daughter who is away at college … on crutches. lol You and your boys will make it just fine. Look at me, I have had 14 broken bones and counting, I'm going riding tomorrow … I'm shooting for 15 or 16!

  3. You are totally doing the right thing- your biggest advocate is you! I hate change too but you know what you need and if your current rheumy isn't providing it…that's that.While I don't have kids yet, many of my friends do. And I hear that "suicidal elves" are common. 🙂 Deep breaths!

  4. Good for you Lana on changing docs. I have an inquisitive mind too. I was always asking what caused me to have RA? I wasn't convinced that one day my immune system decided to go haywire. As you know I am going to be starting antibiotic therapy for my RA. This has led to the fact that I have questioned this disease and was searching for an answer. Time will tell but I am hopeful. Your little guy is fearless! My daughter is 12 and she still constantly gets hurts playing outside in summer. Usually scrapes and scratches but sometimes pretty bad. We will never stop worrying about them no matter how old they get. I was a fearless kid and I am very surprised sometimes I lived through some of the things I did as a kid lol!

  5. Thanks everyone. I believe wholeheartedly the importance of advocating for yourself. If you do not speak up, you are the only one that loses. My little daredevil is definitely bringing back memories that I put behind me after my ten year old stopped being suicidal. Parenthood is definitely a rollercoaster.

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