Posted in marriage, Motherhood, nonsense

A Marriage of Convenience


Remember that movie with Jane Seymour and James Brolin based Georgia Brockoven’s novel. The story is about a boy who dreams of having two parents who love him very much. The boy’s mother died when he was just a baby and he is adopted and raised by his aunt when along comes the boy’s father seven years later to sue for custody. The boy wants the both of them to be his parents and the court comes up with a solution. Instead of dividing custody, the court suggests they get married.

After years of marriage, do you ever feel like you are in a marriage of convenience? About.com defines a marriage of convenience as a “marriage between two people for practical or financial reasons and not for love or intimacy.”

Now, I am not taking immigration fraud. I am talking about the motions of life. Marriage becomes something a person is used to. Mostly, it is because spouses are so busy with their lives, their families, their jobs, etc., and they forget to make time for each other.

Now, believe me, I know that I am not alone in wondering whether there is really supposed to be more. Further, I am not talking about a relationship where a couple just simply does not get along. I am talking about the couple who has focused their marriage on their responsibilities and forgotten the intimacy. Yes, now you know what I mean. (Well, it took you long enough.)

I think that part of the problem is that family life isn’t all fun and games. It involves taking care of bills, children, other family members, and a huge list of other responsibilities. At some point, we all come to a conclusion that marriage is what we have to do to be adults. Part of the problem is that marriage gets forgotten because of our careers, caring of our children and other responsibilities.

I am sure that it is not usual to miss the excitement that existed between a couple before all the responsibilities of life kicked in. After awhile, you find yourself going through the motions. A person shouldn’t feel guilty for missing the prior life they had and it does make them a bad parent or spouse because of it. Family is all about responsibility and we make personal sacrifices because we are responsible.

At some level, I think it is okay for a marriage to go through the motions, but at the other end of the spectrum, I wonder for how long. I know it is easy to get caught up in those motions, but does the romance ever come back? I am not sure if there is an easy answer when you are too busy with your life and the minute your head hits the pillow you start snoring, maybe not.

I am not saying my marriage is over, but good lord, it has gotten boring. I love my husband but we are starting to act like an old married couple. Friends of mine who have been married for a long time tell me that that is a good thing. Is it? Maybe, I am older I actually know the answer.

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8 thoughts on “A Marriage of Convenience

  1. Lana I have been with my husband for over 26 years. We've been married for 23 of those years and there have been plenty of times that I could describe the way that you do. As I write this he is sound asleep on the couch at 7:25pm on a Friday night. Not exactly a hot date night for us.I think that as with everything in life marriage ebbs and flows. Sometimes we have the most amazing moments and then there are the other more stressful times. Sometimes you just have to wait out the dull times. The older the kids get, the easier it has been for us to have time for each other and I really think that we all have to put our marriage on the to do list. It doesn't sound very romantic but life gets in the way otherwise.

  2. When my husband and I were married 21 years ago we received a little note with one of our gifts that said, "Marriage takes a lot of work." How right they were. There are many times that the day to day activities take over and marriage seems dull. Having little ones can make it hard to have time alone with each other. (We rarely went on dates when the kids were young) However, when you come out of that rut and really enjoy each other again, it is all worth it. Like Jo-ann said, as your kids get older you will have little moments to sneak away together. For now, please find any little moment you can to spark the magic again. Marriage takes a lot of work but the payoff is HUGE!

  3. Very intriguing post. I think, after so many years, many couples face this. You get so comfortable with each other, so sure they will always be there…that you take them forgranted. When that happens, you really need to stop and remember why you love one another so much.

  4. Lana, this is a good post from the heart. It's a place where I find myself at as well after 22 years of marriage. I feel like me being diagnosed with RA has sped up this process, then again maybe I'm just looking for something to blame. After 22 years there is not a lot that my wife and I have not done together, but I'm not ready to be pushed over in the corner of the room and ignored.

  5. Just know, as with RA, you aren't alone. There are some knuckleheads out here that relate with you on this issue. The easiest thing to do in a marriage is quit. Hang in there…be creative!

  6. Thank you everyone for your input on this. With or without RA, parenting is a tough job and add a career to that, marriage gets put in the back burner as a result. The majority of that responsibility seems to fall on me mostly because my husband’s job involves a 50-60 hour work week. Quite often, my day does not end until my head hits the pillow and the last thing on my mind is intimacy. When I wake up, the first thing on my mind is all responsibilities the day will bring. Even my weekends are busy. My husband is in the same position. He comes home exhausted and sometimes, he even falls asleep the minute he sits down. I suppose that those are the motions of marriage. I don’t know where I would be or who I would I be without my marriage and my children. Ten years ago, I had other dreams. Today, I am content where I am.

  7. I have been married for 13 years, and for me, my marriage has changed into a marriage of convenience. My husband pays me little attention, offers no affection, or compliments or does anything that shows he appreciates me or makes me feel like a woman. Apparently, after one counseling session, he disclosed that he was not exposed to this type of behavior from his parents, and he is the product of divorced parents. He believes being a good provider is all that is needed. I have tried to talk with him about this, but he just says it’s my problem. I am no longer in love with him, can’t stand having sex with him because there is no passion in it for me…being with a stranger would be more satisfying. So now, although I really want a divorce, I am staying in this marriage because of our son. I do not want him to have to experience divorce and going between us for visits.

  8. Being in 27 years of a late marriage, a farmer with animals, life is humdrum. I am 10 yrs. older then my husband and retired. To keep from going crazy from lack of affection, no intamcy, hugs, kisses, I read fiction historical romantic novels, crochet hats for disabled children and adults, play cards in two women’s group, attend bible study. Alienation of affection could be grounds for divorce. (Loves his animals and cats) I feel like I am a house keeper, not a wife. Thank goodness life is like a school. Just passing through. I need to be thankful and know everyday is not a mountain top experience.

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