The other day I saw an old friend and I immediately went up to him and said hello. The conversation was one had to blog about.
Me: How have you been doing?
Him: Good, yourself?
Me: I am great. It’s been awhile since I have seen or heard from you. A year maybe?
Him: Yeah, well…you changed your phone number on me.
Me: I have email; you could have sent me an email.
Him: Yes…but you are married now.
Yes…but you are married now??? Did I detect a hint of jealousy there? For years, I held a flame for this guy and when, he finally decided he had held a torch for me, I was engaged to my husband. I smiled, trying not to blush, at the words “yes…but you are married now,” and tried to reassure him that we would always be friends, but I knew that the moment I married my husband, that wasn’t true. After I got married, he barely talked to me and after my now 14 month old was born, my friend cut off all communication with me.
I said goodbye to my friend, and walked away with my boys. There was nothing more to be said. For years, I was madly in love with this guy, and he barely knew I existed. Then, one day, he told me how he felt, and I did nothing, because at that point in my life, it wasn’t what I wanted. I was a single mother looking for stability and he was still partying like it was 1999, and something tells me he is still partying like it is 1999.
On the other hand, I am not saying that I don’t still hold a torch for him, but I know, without reservation, that the grass is NOT greener on the other side. Sometimes, a part of me longs for a spur-of-the moment impulse, considering the only spontaneous thing my husband does is wear his boxers to bed instead of his Mr. Rogers’ pajamas, and heck, he wouldn’t even notice if I shaved my legs or if I didn’t, but that isn’t me. I picked my husband because I wanted stability in my life. I was a single mother trying to make my way in the world and impulse was the last thing on my mind.
I am a working mother of two children, a toddler and a tween. I barely get eight hours of sleep at night, I don’t have time to eat healthy, I don’t have time to worry about my hair or makeup on a daily basis, or shoes or purses, and I am lucky if I have a moment to myself. But, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. On most days, my hair is up in a bun; I am not wearing any make up, and walking around in sweats. I have RA and Fibro and most of the time, I just want to be left alone, and well, that is good enough for my husband. He loves me unconditionally despite all my flaws, and believe me, I have many.
And as for my friend’s jealousy, it was nice for that moment to realize I was still alive. Because a working mother’s life is busy and lonely all at the same time, sometimes a mother needs to feel like she is a human, and not just somebody’s mother or somebody’s wife.