1. Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
2. There are no honest lawyers
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.
“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
3. Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head
4. Is there a way to thank you?
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.”My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
5. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
6. Q: What is a criminal lawyer
7. Learning a lesson
A prominent lawyer’s son dreamed of following in his father’s footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father’s firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever — the one you have been toiling on for ten years — in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!”His father frowned, and scolded his son, “I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn’t it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?”
8. You Might Be A Lawyer If….
You are charging someone for reading these jokes. The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long. You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill. Your other car is a BMW. When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer. When your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.
9. Why God Created Lawyers
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, “You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I’m evil, but give me a break. Can’t you do something to make them stop blaming me?”And so God created lawyers.
10. Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
11. Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
12. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
13. This is my all time favorite.
The Legal Assistant and the Attorney
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. Descending a bit more he shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I do not know where I am.”
The woman replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40/41 degrees latitude, north, and 59/60 degrees west, longitude.”
“You must be a “legal assistant” said the balloonist.”I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all, if anything, you have delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be an “attorney”. “I am,” replied the balloonist, “How did you know?” “Well,” replied the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now – somehow — it is my fault.”
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