Sometimes, there are things and people you have no control over.
Sometimes, you wish you had control.
Sometimes, you wish those people would just go away.
Sometimes, you just want to scream to the heavens about the things that anger you, because it is the only way to let go.
Last night, I was angry about all the things in world I cannot control and I thought about what Dr. Phil would say. He would probably tell me that I cannot change others and that I can only change myself. He would remind me that “we teach people how to treat us.” Ah yes, the story of my life. I allow people in my life because I feel sorry for them and guess what, they milk me for all I am worth and then they throw me away like the trash. When will I realize that trying to change people means that I will get sucked in again and again?
I don’t tell people to go away, I avoid them. Maybe if I opened my fat trap more often, I would get stepped on less often. If you look at my New Years post “Looking back…2008”, you will see all the things that angered me last year, things that I wished I had more control of or things that I wish I had handled differently. Mostly, I learned that my life, like everyone else, is filled with sadness, happiness and tests. One of important things that I realized about 2008 is how much stronger and better I am.
Three things in particular stood out for in 2008 that really don’t seem to go away, and thus, the reason I want to vent. My husband, dealing with a major mid-life crisis, made some bad choices with our finances that put us in a financial nightmare and because I did not make to make him resentful, I took a step back. Part of that financial mess included his going into business with my brother and after spending every dime we had and going $60,000 in debt, we are slowly, but surely, digging out of a ditch that was six feet under to start with. Meanwhile, my brother walked away without a scratch.
Second, I disagreed with my brother and his wife and angered them by standing up to them on the way they discipline their small children (By small children, I mean three children under the age of four). I nearly got Child Protective Services involved and was told straight-out that it was “none of my business”. I trusted my gut and lost any contact I had with my nieces. Last night, I received a call from my sister telling me that the children’s school had called CPS because one of the girls had a horrible burn. I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with it and if they wanted help with their new legal issues, they should find someone who actually cares. I do “care” about my nieces, but I have to do what is right for my own family right now. Helping my brother and his wife will be very painful for me. I won’t lie for them nor will I assist them financially – after all, if I know them – that is what they will be asking for. CPS will make them change – that is something I simply cannot do. Changing my attitude about the situation means forgetting that it is my brother and his wife who are involved (I should treat them as I would some other irresponsible parents) so that they can get the help they need.
The third issue that stood out clearly for me was the decision I made to stand up to my ex-husband and his family when it came to my son. I made it clear that no one, had a say in how I raised my son and if I so choose, his grandparents were not a part of his life. I may as well have sacrificed the minimal relationship I had with my daughters, but at least, I am able to protect my son. I am not a bad mother, but I have already lost three children who I have had very little contact in eight years as they were taken away from me by my ex and his family. I refuse to let my guard down because if I do, my son and I both lose. If protecting him means that he will never know his father’s side of the family, so be it. We all have to do what we think is best for our children. No one can blame me on this one.
So in the words of Squidward Tentacles, “I want to move so far away I can brag about it”. And maybe, just maybe, I will. I have seriously put some thought into it, but for now, money is definitely playing a factor in that decision. Perhaps, I can start a “move so far away I can brag about it donation fund”, and maybe I can start by calling Dr. Phil.