I decided this morning that no one in this world could be more blessed than I am. I want to be angry and enraged, but what would that accomplish? The realization that I have RA has finally hit me. I already knew, but I was praying that it wasn’t true. I can continue to ramble, but I know that for everything in my life that has hurt, there was something better to replace it. Every test I have been given led to me here to the place I have been trying to find. My comfort zone so to speak.
I have been blessed with five children, three of whom I have tried desperately to reconnect with (emotionally and physically) after my ex-husband took them out of my life eight years ago. I thought this was the final blow, and after losing my daughters and struggling to gain my life back, raising my eight year old on my own for many years, struggling to find a meaning to my life, believing and trusting in love after how badly I had been hurt, and now, being blessed with another child, a child that I told myself I didn’t deserve, it had to be. A couple months ago, I found out my younger sister had cancer, and it tore me inside, and I wished that I could make the cancer go away or somehow, take on some of her pain, but as my favorite blogger often reminds herself and her readers that she “kicked cancer’s ass”, I too can live with this and not because I am strong, far from it, but because I am blessed.
I think about how fortunate I have been in my life and how lucky I have been. Yes, I have struggled, but I was resilient and I didn’t have time to give up. I had others who needed me to be strong. And yes, I can be weak. I can fall down and not want to get up, and there are days where the pain is so bad, I want to hide in my bed and wish it all away, but what would that accomplish? How can I teach my children to be strong and to always reach further and that giving up is not an option, if I do not practice what I am preaching?
Of course, I am blessed, and more than anything, I want to ramble about how cruel life can be, but it wouldn’t change a thing, good or bad. I just know that everything I have been through made me the person I am today and that person is stronger and wiser than I could have ever imagined. And the reason for my being all the wiser and stronger is that I have been truly blessed and in more ways than I can count. I could not ask for more.