I feel like I am blocked in other ways as well – mostly emotionally and spiritually.  I am in the process of closing a chapter in my life and well, it is long overdue, it is still difficult to do.  The fact is life never works out the way we plan or we hope or we dream.  We kind of just have to be happy with the cards we have been dealt and sometimes that means letting go.

One of the hardest things anyone has to do is let go.  There are many things that we find that we have to let go of – people, situations, things, relationships and even characteristics about ourselves.  Forming an attachment is easy but dealing with letting go is so very hard.  It would be difficult for us to form attachments if we knew ahead of time we would have to let go.  Just the thought of knowing that we would have to let go of someone or something we hold dear is painful enough.

Letting go becomes necessary when situations have reached an impasse and we find that we have to let go in order to fulfill happiness or own life paths. When the time comes, we have to move forward and pick up the pieces.  If we refuse to let go and move forward, we won’t learn anything and we certainly will be miserable the long term, if we aren’t already.  Leaving our old selves behind helps us to realize who we really are.

The truth life isn’t always wonderful or beautiful or great. Sometimes, life isn’t the way we want it to be or the way we expect it to be.  I think when I lay my plans out God laughs at me and says with a chuckle, “Life won’t be the way you want it to go.  Your plans won’t work out as you planned. But everything with work out the way it is supposed to.  After all, I would never give you what you can’t handle.”

I am blocked but not just with the writing but also with my spiritual and emotional well-being.   I am struggling to find a new normal because my old normal just didn’t work for me.  What I have learned that even when good times seem long time and happiness is taking its sweet time, if I told on to the roller coaster long enough, I will find what I am looking for at the end of the wild ride.

I am learning daily to cherish change and to look at hardship as something that makes me strong and wiser. Tough times also help me to stay grounded and understand that not every day will be great but as long I keep move forward, I will keep progressing. And I have said it before, and I will say it again, I am a work in progress and I will keep moving forward.

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.– Author Unknown

I was wrong but I did the right thing

What I knew is that this person was someone who would appreciate honesty – at least the person I knew back then. I am not so sure now.  I also think it is possible that person is still angry at me.  A part of thought still wonders what might have been and another part of me has come to the conclusion that things were never meant to be.  Owning up has allowed me to see the truth and now I can move forward from that.

I have done what I need to do by owning up to my mistake.  Owning up has allowed me to forgive myself and as far as the other person, I thought time would heal but it hasn’t.  I thought it would upset me that this person was still angry but I have come to the understanding that even though I owed an apology, that person’s anger isn’t justified.  That person maybe angry at me for walking away but that person did not stop me from walking away.  I away walked because I thought it was the right thing at the time and that person did nothing to try to change my reasoning.

At the end of the day

It has taken a lot of work and time but I realize now that I am enough.  If people in my life want to walk away because I am imperfect, I will hold the door open for them. I have become someone that some people don’t like but it is just me being strong, saying what I want, and not allowing anyone to treat me like a doormat.  If people are bothered by that, that is their problem.

At the end of the day, the only one I have to answer to is the Almighty God. I also have to be a person that my children are proud to call their mother.  It has taken me many years and a lot of soul searching to feel confident enough to say, “I am good enough.”  I have been strong enough to own up to my mistakes and if I have hurt others, I have apologized.

Taking Responsibility

I have owned up to my mistakes to take responsibility for my own life. It is not about anyone else. It is about my trying to understand who I am, how I behave, how others behave towards me, and how my behavior affects others and my own life.  I know that if I do not learn this, life will continue to be about what is happening to me, rather than what I actually have control of.  And the truth is, I may not have control of what happens but I have control of how I react and behave.

I spent a lot of time trying to heal and I had almost forgotten that my children were healing too.  After all, what had transpired had affected us all and we all dealt with it in different ways.  They say that children are resilient when it comes to change and I want that to be true but as I watch my children evolve over the past few months, I am not always sure. I just know that we are getting closer to what “normal” is and what it will continue to be like.  We are getting there but it is a work in progress.  Our acceptance of our current life and what it can be is a work in progress.

For me, I recently came to an impasse in my battle with depression and the reasons for it.  I finally accepted the fact that I was angry – at specific people, events, and circumstances.  I always said I was not angry and I thought by not being angry, I was taking responsibility for my actions and my choices.  It was not until I finally admitted that I was angry that I realized that I could truly heal.  After I admitted my anger and why I was angry, I felt sad.  Even though I felt my anger was justified, I hated that I could be an angry person.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that anger is normal emotion. I made choices based on what others expected of me and the lesson that I learned was that, I wouldn’t be happy if I continued down that path.  I need to be smarter in the future so that anger or unhappiness doesn’t overcome me in a negative and destructive way.

I am learning to accept a lot of things but mostly, I am working on learning to accept that I am enough.  I think that has been hardest part of my journey.  I have spent a lot of time giving and giving because I felt that no matter what I did it was never enough.  I felt guilty that I was sick and that my kids had a sick mother and I kind of felt that I wasn’t giving them enough.  I also worried about my own health when it came to my mother – if I am sick, who will take care of her?  I even worry about my relationship with the Almighty.  Is what I give to God enough and does God think it is enough? I struggle with being enough as a professional and as a human being.  A lot of that has to do with how I was raised but mostly, it has to do with the people I have let in my life, specifically the people who have hurt me.  What have learned about hurt is that it isn’t about me, it is about them.  We all have choices when it comes to hurt. We are either doing the hurting, we are taking  hurt or we are strong enough to walk away from it.  I have been made all of these choices at some point or another and I am learning from these experiences.  I am looking at the lessons learned rather than the hate that they have left behind and I think I am wiser for knowing the difference.

I am a work a progress but I am getting there.  The next time I open the door to a new chapter in my life…I want to be ready and strong enough to believe I am enough.  And right now, it is just acceptance in progress but with each passing day, I am more confident that I can reach a point of contention with acceptance.  

I have been through enough in my life to know that God will only give what He knows I can handle.  I also know that everything happens for a reason but sometimes, I sure wish I knew the reason.  In times where I find myself struggling with something that is out of my control, I start to struggle with my faith and my belief in the Almighty.  I have never stopped believing in God but sometimes, I just don’t know that He knows I am here on my knees.

I have been through a whole lot in life and I know that I would not have gotten through these things without God by side.  But, I just want a break from constantly being tested.  I also wish that I some control of my fate. The things that get thrown at me, I wish they weren’t. For once, I just want something to work my way. I have spent a lot of years trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and now, I am not convinced.  Sometimes, what happens doesn’t make any sense and maybe I want to know the reason that things happen as they do.

I know and I have been told that God has a plan for me and I don’t really have a say in that.  However, I had everything in my life planned out. It was going to be a certain way but then it wasn’t. Then something happened and my plans were foiled.  My life didn’t turn out in the way that I wanted it to and I sure didn’t get what I worked for.  I tried to make it work and now I know it will never work.

I am okay that things turned out as they did because in the grand scheme of things, I was in the wrong place and with the wrong person.  I knew I was with the wrong person but I did what was expected of me and I thought I could find a way to be happy.  In the end, my best laid plans weren’t enough.  I could have tried and tried until the end of time and the result would have always been the same.  A part of me is relieved with the result and another part of me is confused.

I am at peace with what has happened of late and I know with certainty it is for the best.  However, the reasons I ended up in this situation continue to haunt me.  I understand I made my own choices but I made them to make others happy.  In the end, I wasn’t happy and right now, I am trying to figure out how to be happy again.  I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, that God has bigger and better plans for me, and that God will give me only what He knows I can handle.  However, I am not sure that I always believe these three things.

I look back at what my life has been like for the past twenty years.  I have been hurt by a lot of people and when I try to be happy and to do my own thing, there are too many people who disappointed in my choices.  It has taken me a long to realize that if I continue to let others dictate my choices, I will never be happy.  And now that I know that, I know that I have to make different choices – choices I have never made before.  Because I have always done what I was supposed to do, I am afraid of what would happen if I don’t do what everyone expects of me.  I don’t know the result and the unknown scares me.  I want to do what makes me happy but what makes me happy may anger a lot of people. I am so tired of living a life where others dictate who I am and who I should me.  I know I always have a choice but it is hard to make different choices when you know that the people closest to you will disapprove.

I know that my life will turn out in the way that God has planned out for me. I just want to know how do I get there quicker.  I know what I want but it doesn’t always seem possible based on the obstacles I will have but it is not impossible. I consider myself a strong believer in God and even in my faith but right now, I just wish I could understand how everything is supposed to work out.  If everything is supposed to happen for a reason, what is that reason?  When will I know the reason?  And why can’t have both the things I want – my faith and my happiness? It is hard to have it when others are dictating what these things are especially when they are picking and choosing what is allowed and what is not.  No one is looking for the truth – it is about what they think is true.  As for me, I am so sick of what everyone tells me is true even though I am smart enough to know the difference.   Ignoring the real truth is what has cost me my happiness.

One of the things I have learning now that my emotions aren’t all over the place is that time does heal if we allow it to.  Once we do, we become aware of how we were wronged, how we can forgive, and how we have also wronged.  I think the realization that I, too, have wronged others is one that I have often pushed aside.  I consider myself a good person and I have always been the kind of person that takes others feelings into consideration.  I have been like that most of my life.  I am not a mean person but there have times where I thought I was doing the right thing and looking back, I realize that I hurt others because I was only thinking of myself.

There was a particular person in my life that I hurt because I wanted to protect.  At least, that is what I told myself.  Now, looking back, I realize the only person I wanted to protect was myself.  I think it is normal to make decisions that we think are best for everyone else only to realize that we were doing what was best for us.  I did this more than once but there is one time in particular that stands out for me.  It is a time in my life where my options were limited and rather than fighting for what I wanted, I choose to walk away.  In hindsight, I escaped the situation rather than dealt with it. I thought I was protecting someone I loved but the only person I was protecting was me.

After a lot of soul searching, I have owned up to my mistake and made decision to reach out and apologize to the person I had hurt.  The choice I made back than has haunted me for a long time and I am working to seek closure from that experience.  I don’t know how owning up to my mistake / bad decision will affect others but I am doing what I should have done a long time ago. I ready to deal with the aftermath as well.

I used to think that time would eventually heal the deepest wounds. Now I know that wounds don’t heal if we don’t address them.  We don’t take the time to tend to our wounds. We try to ignore them and we push them so deep that we convince ourselves that we have healed. I pushed so many wounds aside and told myself that I had healed but I have found that only when I reached within and pulled out my wounds how much I was still hurting.  For the first time in a long time, I am healing.  It is not easy but I am getting there. I am healing and I am grateful for this new journey.  It is has made me a wiser, stronger, and more aware individual who really believes that time can heal even the deepest of wounds.

Being chronically ill means we have decisions to make daily. Sometimes, those decisions are small such as when and how to take our medications and sometimes they are big, such as whether we should head to the ER when we have high copay or whether we can wait to see our family doctor the following day.  Daily, our quality of life is affected and the choices we make alter our lives for the better or worse.

It has been a long rough week but I am still moving forward.  I have been dealing with pain, moments of sadness and depressed moods, and daily stresses of balancing my home life and work life.  But I have turned my focus in a different direction so that this week doesn’t take its toll on me. I am focusing on what is right in my life right now.  Doing that helps me to move forward no matter how crazy my body is acting and how stressful things are right now.

There is never enough time in my day simply because of the lack of energy.  I come home tired from work and I start to think about feeding two very hungry boys. I don’t cook like I used it and sometimes, I miss that.  It is hard to do when I come home exhausted in the evening.  Then there are things to do such as cleaning up and then before I know it, bedtime is near and I am focusing on getting a four year old ready for bed and convincing a teen to get ready for bed.  By the time my head hits the pillow; I don’t know where my day has gone. Even my weekends are busy, between keeping my home nice and tidy, running errands and helping my mom, my weekend is gone before I have even had a chance to enjoy it. 

The only moments of solace I get in the evening and on the weekend are when I sit down and turn on the TV. I try to stay away from the news because of the emotional effect it has on me. I will try to watch an hour of TV in the evening and a couple hours on the weekend because it is the time where I actually get to sit down.  It is also the only time where I can allow my mind to shut down and not think about the pressures that life throws at me.  A simple moment but enough time to allow my mind to relax.

Between work, family, my health and thinking about bills and money, it is hard to keep the big picture in perspective.  Sometimes, it is hard to know what that is or to even focus on that but it helps to notice and observe my feelings.  It helps me to allow the unpleasant feelings to pass through if I make a choice to recognize them rather than to react to them. The more I practice allowing the negative stuff to pass, the more my ability to see the positive increases.  Day by day, I am learning that there really isn’t a specific big picture.  If I can focus on what is good in my life right now – my family, my career, my friends, and even the fact I am coping with my health challenges – the more confident I become to handling life’s challenges. My ultimate goal is feel a deeper sense of peace.  I am not there yet but I am working my way towards that.

Realizing that I was depressed due to many reasons beyond my control was hard for me to bear.  I had been so strong through so much of the hardest times of my life since being diagnosed.  Because I kept moving forward, I never thought I could be depressed.   Looking back, I even surprised myself. Also, I realize that I made bad choices in the people I picked to share my life with. I should have known that when push came to shove, those people were not reliable. But I have learned and I will be wiser in the future.

Every day, every week and every month, my life changes. I am older, wiser, kinder and much more alert the world and the life around me.  I still continue to struggle with my beliefs and I am struggling even more because of being depressed.  Chronic illness makes me you numb at times but it also can set your emotions out of whack.  When you are working on managing illness and depression through treatment, sometimes you shut down because sometimes, the emotions are not there.  I have days where I am completely numb – whether it is the meds, or life or being sick – I long to feel something.  Other days, my emotions are all over the place and I cannot quite explain it.  How do you go from one spectrum to the other in a matter of hours or overnight?  Living with RA and fibro is like that overall.  You go from feeling perfectly fine one minute to being plagued with pain and fatigue within the hour.

I think the reason being depressed bothers me so much is because when I was searching for answers to why I was sick, I was pushed aside by doctors who could not figure out what was wrong with me.  When medical tests found nothing, doctors suggested stress, anxiety and depression.  It was enough to make me feel crazy.  I think many of us have dealt with this so we struggle with our emotions.  It is enough we are sick…but please don’t suggest it is all in our heads! For years, I struggled with my feelings and emotions because the idea that depression or stress or anxiety was causing me to feel sick sent me back to a time when no one believed the extent of how sick I was physically. 

I want to somehow feel that I have won one part of this battle but I have won no part of it.  I am still sick, I am still not in remission, and I am still struggling with all the things that life has thrown at me.  I want to feel something other than what I am used to.  For me, life has gotten to a point where nothing fazes me.  I mean, come on – I have loved, I have lost. I have trusted and I have been burned. The one thing I thought I had control of – my body – I didn’t. Seriously? This is what life with chronic illness is like? Is that all we are destined for?  – - – Oh, I don’t think so!

I refuse to let the world’s tragedies get me down. I refuse to let personal hardships get me. I refuse to let people who hurt me continue to hurt me.  I refuse to lose my faith in the Almighty because sometimes, it feels like others have it easy and I don’t.  More than anything, I want to set the best example I can for my children.  Yes, I have two pretty serious chronic diseases and the years of trying to be strong have taken their toll on me, but in the end, I am anything but weak.  I am stronger for all I have been through and I have handled it.  I stronger for learning that not everyone is reliable.  It is their choice to walk away and it is my choice to NOT let their hurt affect me.  I am stronger for learning that heartache and tragedies are merely obstacles and that the human spirit can endure.  The human spirit always endures because it keeps fighting.

The news have shown us some pretty horrific images this week and in the past, these events would have been harder for me to bear. However, lately, I don’t know what to expect anymore.  All I know is that life is too short and we cannot dwell on the little things.  We have  to enjoy the present and love the people that matter. We need to tell him that we love them every day and pray for their safety.  That is all any of us can do.

Today I am making a choice to be open and honest about how life challenges have affected me.  This is not a “pity party” post. This is a post where I am honest about my feelings and where I show that it is normal for chronic illness and life’s challenges to add up.

Like the rest of you, I have had my share of what chronic illness does. I was diagnosed in my early 30s, as someone trying to be a good mother and a successful professional. When we are young, we take our health for granted. Chronic illness means we are sick and we will be sick forever and that really stinks.  Our bodies have suddenly freaked out on us and we have lost control of the one thing we had control of. Not only that, it affects every aspect of our lives.

Accepting what chronic illness does and how it affects our lives is a major loss.  It is grief and it takes time to process and it something we revisit often.  Add life’s challenges in the mix and we are mourning, angry and sad – all at once.  All this part of our reality.  Even life’s challenges alone or chronic illness alone make life hard.

A Recipe for Depression

The chronic illness part of depressed feelings has to do with the situation itself and changes in our appearance, mobility and independence. The illness itself may cause depression. Add pain, fatigue, and the effects of medication into that mix. Last, and most importantly, the social pressure to be okay. Walla!  A great recipe for depression.

For me, it was bigger than that.  I had a lot of obstacles thrust upon me of late and as I tried to deal with those pressures, I found myself struggling with my emotions. I didn’t realize I was depressed until my doctor pointed it out.  I thought my feelings and emotions were normal.  I was crying at the drop of a hat, not sleeping at night, my mind was constantly working, and I hate to admit this, but I actually thought about death.  Not about suicide or dying but the whole notion that death was better than life.  Now, with medication and therapy, I am dealing with things better than I ever have. Life is such much clearer and I am not thrown down by obstacles or by life stresses.  I am handling things better than I have in a long time and I am grateful for my doctor for recognizing what I was going with me.

I hesitated to write this post. I guess, in a way, it meant admitting I was weak and I was not as strong as I thought people perceived me.  However, I am learning everyday that there is no requirement for me to be strong all the time.  I am human and I am allowed to feel weakness.  The fact is I am getting stronger everyday and I am seeing myself in a whole new light.  I still have days where I feel sad but for the most part, I am okay.  I am sleeping better at night and my moods are not all over the place and I am definitely a lot calmer. 

The Stigma

If anything, I wrote this post because I wanted others to see that feeling depressed wasn’t something to be ashamed of.  We associate such a stigma with depression that it forces people to hold their emotions and feelings in.  It is such a stigma that 75% of those who are depressed do not seek treatment.  The whole idea that family or society reacting to depression paralyzes people from getting the help they need.  Unless someone is going through divorce, death or other trauma, people cannot begin to understand depression.  Emotional pain in our society is seen as personal weakness and not a symptom of physical disorders, chemical imbalances or nutrient deficiency.  In my case, it was a combination of life’s challenges, chronic illness and vitamin D deficiency. 

Our society still has this notion that when someone is depressed they can just snap out of it, decide to stop, will it away and they try to cheer us up, thinking that it is simple to feel better.  Further, many have this notion that we all feel depressed sometimes, that we should grin and bear it (most depressed persons already do this), and that we should smile even when our hearts are breaking.  They make light of it by saying this like “life is hard for all of us – what makes you so special?” or they will say that the person is just trying to get attention.  It is no wonder that people do not talk about depression or seek help.  It took me a long time to understand what was happening to me and admitting weakness meant that I had to acknowledge what was happening.

Pent up emotions are difficult for anyone to talk about even to someone you are very close to.  When we tell people how we feel, even those closest to us, we feel vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.  We wonder if they will believe us or take us seriously.  Will they make us feel weak, foolish or embarrassed and in the end, will we still feel alone? No wonder it is so hard to seek help for depression.  Some people would rather die than admit they need help and so they make a choice to suffer alone.

What is even more tragic is that a lot of people suffering from depression don’t even know they are depressed.  They blame others for their suffering and they complicate other people’s lives in the process.  The handle this through general unhappiness, low self-esteem, being overly sensitive and with difficulty getting along with others. If they only knew that depression makes life and getting along with others hard. The fact is, it is hard to come to terms with these horrible feelings.

At first, we don’t really know what is happening to us and what is really going on.  We don’t recognize what we are feeling and we try to push these feelings aside.  We hope that if we ignore these feelings that they will somehow go away.  Unfortunately, despite all the ignoring, we break down. We ask ourselves whether we are going crazy but it takes time to realize what is happening. Some people take to drinking, smoking, and/or drugs or even have an affair to cover up what they are feeling. Nobody wants to be depressed so they find ways to cover what they are feeling.

The fact is depression comes with guilt, shame and embarrassment.  We blame ourselves or we feel weak for having these feelings. I would ask myself how come a strong person like me wasn’t strong enough to fight these feelings.  I also wondered if it was some kind of punishment or whether I just didn’t deserve to be happy.

It’s not Personal

All I wanted was to be the mother my children deserved. In the end, I understood that depression was a part of biology and it wasn’t personal or it wasn’t my fault. I knew that seeking help was the intelligent and informed choice. Making that decision meant I was strong, smart and capable. So, I am working on making me better and I don’t care if anymore if anyone sees me as weak, crazy, or incapable.  I am not. I am stronger and better for doing what I need to do to be a better mother and a better person.  And, I am getting stronger with each passing day.  

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a medical disorder, like RA or fibromyalgia and it needs treatment.  There are plenty of influential people who have suffered from depression including actors, Harrison Ford and Hugh Laurie.  Football player, Terry Bradshaw has suffered and now is an advocate for removing the stigma of depression.

If you are feeling depressed or are experiencing the symptoms of depression, don’t be embarrassed or try to convince yourself that you can just will it away. Please talk your doctor and believe that you can get the help that you need and deserve.  Trust me, you are worth it.

There are times where I think that the pain is leaving me and other times where I think it many never leave.  It has been an uninvited houseguest in my home.  It arrived without as much as a warning.  It has been intrusive and it has wreaked havoc on my parenting as well my relationships, both personal and professional.  Moreover, it has undone my life, taken it over and has no plans to leave.  In the beginning, it felt like my diagnoses were some kind of personal agenda affecting me only but over time, I have learned that I am not the only one affected.

Most people in my life know that I don’t complain about the effect that RA and fibromyalgia have had on me and even how they affect me daily.  Usually when I talk about the effect that they have had on my life, I reserve that for my blog and I always try to find the lesson learned.  I have learned that even though I cannot always have a positive attitude, I should try.  I have my pity parties and I have been having them a lot lately.  Lately, I have been dealing with some issues that have been out of my control and while I am strong enough to handle them, my health has worn me down. Sometimes, I wonder if I can continue to make my way in the world with chronic illness. So far I have been able to do it but sometimes, I feel discouraged – due to how I am feeling physically or how others make me feel.

With all that has been going on, the pity parties have been small but they have been coming more than usual.  I have tried to be strong but lately my breaking point has been coming on pretty quick.  I am overwhelmed by all that life has thrown at me in addition to my responsibilities. I cannot help but feel guilty and sad – guilty because I cannot always hold it together for my kids and sad because I wish things were easier for them and me.

I remind myself that I have been fortunate with the family and friends who stuck around despite my illnesses and despite my inability to be the person I was before.  I don’t really look back anymore at the ones that walked away, that saw me as lazy or that felt like I used being sick as an excuse. It is hard though to look back at what you have lost and the people that have walked away.  I am reminded that they saw me a sick person rather than someone who loves passionately and works hard despite the obstacles that come her way. I am saddened by what being chronically ill has taken from me but mostly I saddened by the people who think being chronically ill means that I am not enough for them.  I think the last thing is what has brought me down the most.

One of the things I have been blessed is the ability to reach out to others. Of all things that RA and fibromyalgia have taken, they have not taken from me my ability to show compassion and kindness.  I am glad that I can still find ways to help others and allow others a voice when they are not able to speak.  I blog and advocate because I hope that others can relate and that my words can help them can to come terms with the struggles of chronic illness including heartache and pain.

Despite my pity parties of late, I know that pity parties are important.  We need them and when we talk about them, we find that we are not alone in having them.  The fact is life is not fair and no one ever said it was.  I have learned that we are not all dealt the same hand in life and sometimes, it helps to help your emotions out in other to find ways to cope.  A fulfilling life is something that takes work and sometimes, we have to revisit our pity to be reminded that we have to constantly be working to figure how to make our lives worth living.

Related articles

• A Life Different Than I Planned (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
• How to Move Toward Acceptance of Chronic Illness (theadventuresofarthritisnfibromyalgia.wordpress.com)
• Chronic Illness and Identity (brainlesionandme.wordpress.com)

Me – age 3

I look at my four year old and I see how strong he is and how smart he is.  Looking at him, I see me.  Messy curls, smart attitude, and strong temperament.  Then I look at my thirteen year old and how fast he wants to grow up, how much more mature he is than his peers and how stubborn and headstrong he is and I still see me.  I am amazed by my boys and I am scared.  I also wonder, was my mother amazed and scared?  Did she ever wonder how all these characteristics would benefit me and also put me at a disadvantage? Did she know that life would challenge me more than it has challenged my siblings?  Did she know that despite everything I would endure? Did she know that I would struggle been being strong and being weak? How about that little girl that I was – my messy curls, my smart attitude, strong temperament, older than my years – did she know?

I just remember not relating to my peers because I was a lot more mature than most of them.  I was more into books than being a little girl and when I was not in my books, I was a tomboy – climbing trees, playing with bugs and dirt, and beating up all the boys in the neighborhood.  I was one tough little girl and I grew up into a strong woman.  So yes, perhaps, my mother was amazed and scared.  I think she was amazed and still is about how strong I was and still am.  I think she was scared about what that meant and what it has meant throughout my life.

The little girl I was didn’t dream of finding Prince Charming. She dreamt of having it all – a successful career, a great husband and amazing kids. When I was a teenage girl, I thought I could and would have it all.  As have I gotten older, I have realized that things aren’t as easy as they seem.  Having all these things has a cost.  My health has been compromised, my career hasn’t moved as fast as I thought it would, and I have learned that a successful marriage isn’t an easy thing.  If I could describe my life in two words, it would be, “changed plans.”

I have spent so much of my life taking care of others and I have always said that I just wanted someone to take care of me.  I was reminded recently that I had to be the kind of woman that would actually accept someone taking care of me and I don’t know how to be that woman.  I have been so headstrong about taking care of myself, being independent, and taking care of others that I have never known what it means to be taken care of.  It is something I need to change about myself but it involves admitting that it is okay not to be strong all the time.  I struggle with the notion that I can be weak vs. strong. 

My brother was diagnosed with cancer and passed away and I was determined to stay strong so that my mother and kids could lean on me.  When my mother had her stroke, again, I was determined to stay strong for my children and for my mother.  The last thing I wanted was anyone to see me fall apart. Life has thrown me some other obstacles in the past several years and I have remained strong – not because it was the answer, but because I was afraid to let anyone see me fall apart. Maybe I learned this from watching my own mother so I am afraid this is what my kids are learning from me. 

That little girl I once was – could she have ever imagined this? Could she have ever predicted that life would throw her one curveball after another and that she would just learn to swerve? Did she ever realize that by her mid-30s, she would have endured more heartache than most? Or that life would challenge her and that despite the journey, she would still triumph?  Did she know how strong she would need to be in order to get through life’s tests?  Did she know that she would sometimes question why she was given so many challenges while other were given less or smaller challenges? Did she ever wonder that she would question so much, including her faith? Did she ever think that adulthood would be easy or did she prepare herself with her stubbornness and strong temperament? Maybe I have always been prepared – and maybe it just has taken me a long time to realize it.

I figure that little girl must have always known and I think that is the reason she was such a strong and feisty little girl. That is why she would grow up to be a teen that had dreams of being successful and that is why when she found no one to pick her up, she picked herself up when she was in her 20s. And even into her 30s, when life threw so many challenges her way.  

I worry about my boys picking up on my strength, my fear of weakness, and sometimes my lack of emotion.   People look at me and think that all these qualities are good.  They might be but they also take a toll on you.  I am trying to be different for the sake of my own sanity and so that I can deal with the challenges that lie ahead. Mostly, for my kids. For a long time, I thought that I had to fix others but now I know that I need to focus on fixing me first and that is what I am doing.  The scary part is that doing this is forcing me to see a side of myself that I hate seeing – the part of me that can be weak.  But I learned that in order to be strong, we should never be afraid to be weak – well I am learning, at least.