I am still not saving the world


 saving the world

I have been dealing with a tension headache for a couple days now. These tension headaches have a tendency to make me feel that everyone wants a piece of my time and I don’t have that to offer.  I remember being a young girl with dreams about changing the world and making it a better place.  And for a while there, I still thought that I could.  I thought once I raised my kids I would but rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia have changed my plans.

So, I am still not saving the world and I don’t think ever truly will be.  Most of my advocacy these days is behind a keyboard.  I have learned to be okay with that.  Mostly, it is because I am too preoccupied with being sick. About 75% of the time, I am wondering who hijacked my body and the other 25%, I am trying to get as much as I can done before the next flare up sends me under my covers.

Yesterday, I was so proud of myself. I cleaned up my place, did all the laundry, and took my kids out to a Halloween carnival. But all the bright lights and sound had their effect on me due to having a heightened sensitivity thanks to living with fibromyalgia.  Now, I have a tension headache, neck pain and very little energy.  I cannot hide out in a dark quiet room.  Life just doesn’t work like that way.

Sometimes, I wonder how I feel on any given day affects my kids.  One minute I am on top my game, and the next minute, it feels like have been boxing with Muhammad Ali and he has shown me no mercy despite my handicap. I feel like Muhammad Ali wasn’t kind at all to me yesterday and I am paying for it today.  I wonder how that affects my kids but I am afraid to ask them because I don’t want them to worry.

I know that I won’t be saving the world any time soon but I am doing the best that can considering the hand I have been dealt.  Feeling like this makes me feel defeated but I still know I am capable.  Right now, I just to rest so I can climb back into the ring and show that I am in fact strong, capable and willing.  I probably will never save the world in the way that I feel is amazing or superb but I am doing the best that I can to help others understand that life with chronic illness isn’t easy but life isn’t over either.  That is all I can do for now – it isn’t like I was born with a superhero cape.

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