I constantly pride myself for being able to laugh even when I want to cry. I have had some difficult times and I would like to believe the worst is behind me and maybe it is. I am hopeful that it is but I have just kind of learned to roll with the punches. And this whole laughing when I want to cry thing, not sure if it is something to be proud of.
Between two jobs, two kids, a bitter ex and a very nosey family, some days, I am not quite sure how I make it. Sometimes, I am not sure how I make through the day without crying. And how I made it through yesterday without crying. My day started out with a nasty texts from the ex and a broken windshield. I told myself that crying or being upset wasn’t going to repair the windshield or change my ex. Both of these, I had no control of.
I still worry about the future, about my chronic illnesses, about my kids and doing this all this my own, but mostly I worry about whether I am doing it right. I remember the toll that it took on me and I don’t want to go back there. Depression is one heck of ugly thing and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.
Despite my early morning approach to venting, I did get the promotion I mentioned in a prior post. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My new position, while still within the legal department of company, is completely different than what I was doing before. I have confidence in myself that I will do fine but I have tendency to be my biggest critic. I should remind my biggest critic how capable I am but it is like an inner voice trying to dissuade him from my goals.
I should know better. I write well and I have done well for myself in writing, advocating and my legal job. I have done well as a mother – a single mother and I am more than capable of being successful but I have spent my whole life trying to find that something that will somehow make my life just right. I don’t know what that is and as I get older, I am starting to wonder whether it even matters. My late father used to play the lottery every week and he would always say that his ship would come in one day. When I was a kid with a wild imagination, that ship was a long and luxurious yacht. As I got older, that ship started to look more like a cargo ship and now, it is merely a broken speed boat. I wish that I could be that dreamer that thought her dad’s ship was a yacht but life’s challenges have forced me to see that ship differently. I don’t know whether that is good or bad.
As for my book, I am going through a frustrated author phase. I was so into it and everything felt so right and then, it didn’t. And I am stuck trying to figure what direction I am going and I just have this sense that I may need to start over. Essentially, the story line is the same but I just want to introduce it in a way that pulls the reader in and I am stuck trying to figure out how to make a dead womanizer the main character. So, I am taking a break and plus, I have several articles to work on.
It is getting cooler and I am waking up achy in the mornings. Sometimes, I go to bed in pain. The winter months always leave me wondering if my RA is getting worse. I don’t think it is but winter leaves me questioning my ability to manage it and balance it against my life. I think the part that scares me the most is that the returning symptoms make me wonder if disability is around the corner. So many of us are too young to be thinking about disability but we do. Sad, but true.
I don’t remember a life before RA and sometimes, I wonder if my kids do – well, my five year old probably not but my 13 year old, perhaps is in the same ballpark as me – trying to remember a time where our lives were normal. I wrote about this in an article title Parenting with Chronic Illness: One Mother’s Lessons Learned. You will have to check it out. I have gotten back a lot of positive feedback on it.
Anyway, it is time to start my day and considering I did not fall asleep until 11 pm last night, that is a great feat. Unfortunately, my tiring day was on my mind as was my formerly broken windshield. I took care of the windshield right away but I felt defeated and not because of the cost either (that bothered me too) but mostly because it was not a good way to start the day. So, guess what – today will be better. And if it isn’t, well I will do what I always do – laugh when I want to cry.