Catch My Breath


approval

Every time the Kelly Clarkson song, “Catch My Breath,” comes on the radio, my four year old says, “Mom! That is your song!”  He says this because he knows I really like the song but he doesn’t realize how much I can relate to song and how much it speaks to me.

The first time the song gets a reaction out of me is probably in first set of lyrics. “Learning how to react; I’ve spent most of my time; Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show; Now that you know, this is my life, I won’t be told it’s supposed to be right.” I have taken a lot of crap from a lot of people and I have spent my whole life being told what I am supposed to do and who I am supposed to be.  I have turned my cheek for the sake of appearances and did what I was supposed to do, not what I wanted to do.

For a long time, I have known that trying to make others happy would never make me happy but I did it anyway hoping that I was somehow wrong.  I always did what I was supposed to do and never really thought about what I wanted.  In the past few months, I have gotten a rude awakening because I have finally stopped wanting to make others happy.  I just want to make myself happy.

It is my life and I don’t want to be told what’s right especially when I already know what’s right. That is why these next lyrics are so important.  “Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud; Making time for the ones that count; I’ll spend the rest of my time; Laughing hard with the windows down; Leaving footprints all over town; Keeping faith kinda comes around.” I am working on trying to be happy without having to please anyone else.

Life’s challenges have forced me to realize this is my life and no one else’s.  The fact is I have faced life’s challenges alone and no one’s heart broke but mine.  No one ever picked up the pieces for me and no one was strong for me.  In fact, I made a choice not to lean on anyone for fear of judgment.

I have been dealt some heavy cards since my diagnoses of RA and fibromyalgia.  Those of you who have followed my journey for the past four plus years know what I have been through.  Despite everything, I have endured and triumphed.  The one I struggled with was my own happiness.  I could not be happy trying to make others happy.  My happiness took a backseat.

So, I have done what I am supposed to do and what others expected and guess what, it didn’t work. I say this mostly because I need to remind myself the next time I almost make the mistake of sacrificing my own happiness. Maybe I am also saying to make a point that I am tired of doing it and I am tired of people in my life not getting it.

I am human and I am entitled to be happy.  Their approval is no longer needed. It is time for me to catch my breath and do what’s right for my kids and me.

2 thoughts on “Catch My Breath

  1. I so admire your determination, but I must also say that I am very concerned about you. Your posts have seemed to have such a tone of almost anguish. You have been through some very tough times and the decisions you are making today are also very difficult. Would it be possible to see a counselor who can equip you with the tools you need to help you through? I know the blog helps as a place to vent your feelings and examine your thoughts, but it might be helpful to talk to a person who can offer you the encouragement and coping mechanisms to make this journey easier. Sending warm hugs your way.

    • Hi Carla,
      Thank you for your caring words. I am seeing a therapist and working on managing my depression. Again, thank you for your concern and input. :-)

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