Having made the decision to remove a particular person from my life all together hasn’t been easy especially when that person wants to continue to make my life miserable. In all honestly, I gave more of myself than I had to. The last year has been more of the same and even though I kept my distance, I tried to stay on good terms with this person. I have found that I am adequate without this person in my life.
The reason I use the word “adequate” is because I have spent so many years feeling inadequate because this person made me feel as such. I can look at myself in the mirror and despite my health challenges; I am quite successful in my career and in my life. I have done so much and accomplished so much while working fulltime and being a mother to my children. I don’t have any regrets. I am raising two amazing boys to be gentlemen who will never treat women as inadequate. My older son is 12 and I remind him daily how important it is to treat women with respect. I remind the value of women as mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts, wives, etc. and the peace I get is that he turns out to a good man.
No one should have to be made to feel inadequate. After my brother died, I allowed myself to find out how adequate I was. I did some soul searching and I learned how important it was to love myself first and foremost. I still have moments where I still feel inadequate but for the most part, I am confident in my abilities. My health definitely poses a challenge especially with the weight gain but now that I have removed stressors from my life, it can be easier to focus on getting better.
As 2011 came to end, I promised myself I would focus on my relationship with the Almighty. As planned, I have worked to better my relationship with God. The more I worked towards that goal, the clearer I was able to see. If you have ever heard someone say that prayer makes things clearer, they are absolutely right. Not only does prayer makes things clearer, it allows a feeling of peace. All those questions I had and that I continually pondered about God and faith, I know now that those answers aren’t necessarily specific. If anything, they mean allowing God to take the wheel and have faith in that he knows what is best for me. It has taken a long time to fully grasp and understand that.
A few weeks ago, I had this dream that I was walking around dismayed and asking people questions about God and faith. In the dream, I wanted to understand how to strengthen my belief in the Almighty and how to feel closer to God. I remember saying, “I believe, now what?” It was when I took a moment to think about my dream the following day that the answer came. As I pondered the meaning of that dream, I felt cold and I started to shiver. I had the overwhelming desire to cry, not because I was sad, but because I was happy. I felt God’s presence in a way that I had never felt before.
I remember listening to the former actor turned preacher, Kirk Cameron’s story about his journey to finding faith and God. At age 17, he followed a girl into a church, not because he wanted to be close to God but because he wanted to impress the girl. He heard the gospel for the first time. Sometime later, he was sitting his car thinking about the fact that he could die at any moment. He told himself that if there was a God and a heaven, he would not be going there. It was at that moment that he felt like he needed to be saved. In order to do that he needed God to reveal himself and he asked this of God. There wasn’t a specific sign but he felt God’s presence and it changed him. His heart became softened because it had been opened to the reality that God existed. So, he began to learn all he could at God and as he did this, he saw his need for forgiveness, a willingness to obey God and to live his live in the way that pleased God.
My sister once told me that God doesn’t seek us. We have to be willing to seek him. I didn’t realize how true that was until I saw that first hand. Once we seek God, he opens up his arms to us to show us love and forgiveness. I am the first to admit that I have made mistakes but the more I leaned towards God, the more I learned the value of making good honest choices. I even warn my children against little white lies and I practice what I preach. I have always been a horrible at lying but have a stronger faith in God has made me understand the value of honesty especially to one’s self.
In 2011, I learned so much about the person I am today. Having a stronger faith in God is just another part of a bigger puzzle. I had shed many tears last year that I actually thought I would run out of tears. It was those tears that pushed me towards a strengthened faith and while I wish I could change the circumstances for them, I am better for them. Without those tears, I wouldn’t have learned how unique I am. I wouldn’t have learned that the only person I need to be adequate for is me. So, I am adequate even on my worst day. I am proud of who I have I have become and if not for all the lessons I have learned in the past four years, I would not be who I am today.