Nothing Lasts Forever

Blame on my doctor’s office for not getting back to the mail order pharmacy about my Humira or the weather fluctuations, or even bad luck.  My good, no flare period has come to an end.  I realized this minute my feet hit the ground this morning.  My feet and my hands are swollen with my right knee following suit.  I just hope I get my Humira pretty soon and that this flare up doesn’t get any worse.  It is nice outside and I want to go out and enjoy the good weather. Plus, I was looking forwarding to taking my kids to the I-X Center Indoor Amusement Park this weekend. I have not been there in a couple years because of my RA pain and I thought this year would be much different.  Oh well – nothing lasts forever. I can take my kids but I can’t really do much and all the walking will be a problem.

I have been noticing that as I type my left ring finger and pinkie finger struggles to keep up.  This is not from this new flare up because even when I wasn’t having symptoms, I noticed this.  They constantly want to stay stiff and it is weird because they don’t hurt even when I bend them.  I am wondering whether the repetitive motion is the problem and not my RA. It is something I should bring up to my doctor at my next visit to avoid things getting worse.

I have to say – I did good there for a while when my pain and symptoms were at a minimum or none at all. I enjoyed every minute of it so I am hoping this is merely a small setback.  Truth be told – I wanted to be in remission and while I may have had that for a short time (a couple months at best), I am glad to have had those two months where pain was not a constant factor in my life.  I am sad that the pain is bad is back but I also know that this is a reminder that my RA will never really be gone. I just pray that this flare up will be short-lived. The good news, however, is that my neck and back pain is pretty much resolved.  I sometimes get sharp stabbing and sporadic pains in my neck and back but for the most part, the pain is gone and hopefully, this continues.

A part of me knows that having been diagnosed in 2008, I was lucky.  Anyone who was diagnosed ten or more years ago doesn’t have the same luck on their side. I always had the opportunity to get better through the amazing advances in medicine and that I did.   Four years ago, I thought I was be disabled by now. The only thing that happened is that I learned to live life differently.  I learned to appreciate every minute of every day. I also learned how strong I was and how capable I could be. I also found out how important faith and in love in God is.

A favorite quote of mine comes from the TV show, Grey’s Anatomy.

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” Meredith Grey – Grey’s Anatomy

Having had to learn that life goes on with or without me, I honestly believe that having the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.  Maybe it is true that having gratitude means that you recognize what you have and that appreciate the small victories.  I am human and I am thankful for what I know and for what I don’t know.  Had someone told me that without a doubt, I would be disabled by now, I wouldn’t have wanted to know and even if that is my fate in the next five, ten or fifteen years, I don’t want to know.  I am just grateful to have today.  It means that I have another day, despite RA, to be my children’s mother.  I can’t imagine anything better.

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