A Reality Check
In the past few months, I have had some really good days and very few bad ones. I had a short lived flare up recently that only lasted a couple days to my relief. With two days of flaring pain, I found myself thinking about how much has changed since my diagnosis. For those of you who have followed by blog from the beginning, you know the history so prepare for a walk down memory lane. If you are a new follower, you will want to hear this especially if you have only been diagnosed in the past three years.
A Diagnosis
I am going on four years since I was officially diagnosed. I had symptoms of RA and fibromyalgia that went as far back as ten years prior. Repeated trips to multiple doctors came short and my doctors would try to treat my symptoms. My breathing issues were believed to be asthma and my unexplained symptoms resulted in anxiety and depression medications. It was not until a life changing moment in September 2008 that my diagnoses were officially confirmed.
A few days after giving birth to my now three and a half year old, I awoke to the inability to walk or use my hands. My entire body was swollen beyond belief and my fingers were curled into my hands as if forming fists. At first, I thought I had some kind of postpartum infection that antibiotics would cure but when the words “rheumatoid arthritis” were spoken by my family doctor, I knew that my life was about to change. At the time, however, I thought it was for the worst.
Here I was only 32 years old and feeling like I was 80. I felt defeated and as if I was just handed a death sentence. I did the only thing I could do given the circumstances. I picked up the phone and called my sister and told her I needed her. She came to stay with me when my son was only two weeks old and stayed for about three months. If not her, I am not sure how I could have taken care of a newborn when I could barely hold a fork to feed myself. That flare up that I had eventually subsided and under the care of rheumatologist, I was able to return to work. Six months later, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia and that blurry picture of my life for the previous ten years finally became clearer.
So much has changed since those first few months after I was diagnosed. At the time that my son was born, I had planned on taking my LSATs and attending law school. When RA came into my life, I realized that I could not work full time, spend time with my kids, attend law school, and be sick. I think that was the biggest reason I felt so defeated. RA had taken from me the person that I was before. I was an overachiever and RA made me feel incapable. However, a lot of time and patience taught me that I can live successfully despite RA and that I could manage my condition. Most importantly, I learned that I could continue to have dreams and how I could works towards them. It was not until I fully understand that, even though I was sick, my life wasn’t over. So, I decided to work towards a master’s degree in legal studies through an online program at a slower pace and decided that law school wasn’t in the cards at least at that point in time. I finished up my degree last summer. I also went on to do health advocacy work for fibromyalgia and arthritis. Additionally, I left my stressful job and went on to one that was more challenging but less stressful. I strongly believe that living with chronic illness doesn’t mean that your plans have to change. The only thing that has to change is the timing and the path.
I Am Not Just Coping
People have this misconception about living with chronic illness. They think we are getting by simply being able to cope. What they don’t realize is that coping is only one part of living successfully despite chronic illness. Coping means very little without thriving. When people ask me what RA has taken from me, I respond by telling them that for everything RA took from me, I took something back. I think my ability to see past the limitations posed has been the biggest reason that I haven’t let RA have its effect on my self-esteem.
When a person is diagnosed with a chronic illness, the first piece of advice they get is to not the disease define them. Personally, I think that is the worse advice you can give to someone coming to terms with a new diagnosis. The fact is the disease does define you because it forces you to make choices that revolve around the disease such as lifestyle changes. If you focus on the disease not defining you, then you are not going to make the necessary changes to live with and manage the disease. I strongly believe that to thrive despite your chronic illness, you have to be willing to acknowledge that you not only live with it but also alongside it. Moreover, you must accept that some things are out of your control (i.e., the physical aspects of the disease) while others – how you respond and how you fight back – are within your control.
I thrive and cope because I no longer sweat the small stuff. I tell people that I am Type A with RA because I have been, and probably still am, a person with certain expectations and I sometimes have a bad habit of expecting others to live to my standards. RA has taught me that I have to ask for help if I don’t want to be overwhelmed and I have to accept that sometimes the completed task doesn’t have to meet my standards. I still work and maintain a work-life balance that isn’t as perfect as it was four years ago but I know how grateful and how blessed I am. This is due to my experience learning to cope and to thrive despite the limitations that RA has imposed upon my life.
Everything is Possible
My kids remind me daily that everything is possible. When I was first diagnosed, and for the entire first year and even into the second, I found myself saying that RA kept me from being a good parent. It has taken me a long time to realize that while RA can keep me from being the parent I think I want to be, it still doesn’t keep me from being a good parent.
A year after my diagnosis, my 12 year old, who was nine at the time, told me that he wanted to be important just like me. When I asked why he thought I was important, he told me that I help people every day and he looked up to me for that. That conversation is one that I have taken with me every day since. Even when I feel like RA and fibro are ganging up against me, I know that my children look to me to set an example for them. I want them to see that success is possible despite obstacles. There are days when I feel both physically and emotionally exhausted and I look at my boys and I see how independent, strong and empathic they are despite chronic illness being a part of all of our lives, and I remind myself that they got that way by watching me.
To me – a flare up is just a small set back in a long journey towards healing. My children are a part of that journey and while they think that they need me in their lives, they don’t know that I need them even more. Sometimes, all it takes is a smile or giggle after a long day for me to see how truly blessed I am.
Related articles
- What Does it Mean to Accept Your Chronic Illness Diagnosis (theadventuresofarthritisnfibromyalgia.wordpress.com)
- Do I Ever Feel Sorry For Myself? (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
- Sacrifice and Chronic Illness (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
- My Double Whammy (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
- The Emotional Numbness (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
The Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge 2012
Health Activists are incredible communicators, always sharing great info, ideas, and support for their online community. It’s time to get extra creative! April is our Health Activist Writer’s Month and brings the official Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge (#HAWMC).
We’ve prepared 30 health-related prompts that will help you get creative on your blog, facebook page, or health community all month long. Take the challenge and do a post a day for all 30 days of April!
Sign up now and we’ll send you all 30 prompts before April starts so you can start your planning (and writing!) early. We’ll also send you 30 images you can use on your blog to show your readers that you’re participating in #HAWMC.
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Nothing Lasts Forever
Blame on my doctor’s office for not getting back to the mail order pharmacy about my Humira or the weather fluctuations, or even bad luck. My good, no flare period has come to an end. I realized this minute my feet hit the ground this morning. My feet and my hands are swollen with my right knee following suit. I just hope I get my Humira pretty soon and that this flare up doesn’t get any worse. It is nice outside and I want to go out and enjoy the good weather. Plus, I was looking forwarding to taking my kids to the I-X Center Indoor Amusement Park this weekend. I have not been there in a couple years because of my RA pain and I thought this year would be much different. Oh well – nothing lasts forever. I can take my kids but I can’t really do much and all the walking will be a problem.
I have been noticing that as I type my left ring finger and pinkie finger struggles to keep up. This is not from this new flare up because even when I wasn’t having symptoms, I noticed this. They constantly want to stay stiff and it is weird because they don’t hurt even when I bend them. I am wondering whether the repetitive motion is the problem and not my RA. It is something I should bring up to my doctor at my next visit to avoid things getting worse.
I have to say – I did good there for a while when my pain and symptoms were at a minimum or none at all. I enjoyed every minute of it so I am hoping this is merely a small setback. Truth be told – I wanted to be in remission and while I may have had that for a short time (a couple months at best), I am glad to have had those two months where pain was not a constant factor in my life. I am sad that the pain is bad is back but I also know that this is a reminder that my RA will never really be gone. I just pray that this flare up will be short-lived. The good news, however, is that my neck and back pain is pretty much resolved. I sometimes get sharp stabbing and sporadic pains in my neck and back but for the most part, the pain is gone and hopefully, this continues.
A part of me knows that having been diagnosed in 2008, I was lucky. Anyone who was diagnosed ten or more years ago doesn’t have the same luck on their side. I always had the opportunity to get better through the amazing advances in medicine and that I did. Four years ago, I thought I was be disabled by now. The only thing that happened is that I learned to live life differently. I learned to appreciate every minute of every day. I also learned how strong I was and how capable I could be. I also found out how important faith and in love in God is.
A favorite quote of mine comes from the TV show, Grey’s Anatomy.
“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” Meredith Grey – Grey’s Anatomy
Having had to learn that life goes on with or without me, I honestly believe that having the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. Maybe it is true that having gratitude means that you recognize what you have and that appreciate the small victories. I am human and I am thankful for what I know and for what I don’t know. Had someone told me that without a doubt, I would be disabled by now, I wouldn’t have wanted to know and even if that is my fate in the next five, ten or fifteen years, I don’t want to know. I am just grateful to have today. It means that I have another day, despite RA, to be my children’s mother. I can’t imagine anything better.
Magic Opener – Review and Giveaway
The great people at Open Sesame USA sent me their Magic Opener® to review. They have also given me six openers to give away to readers of my blog.
My Review
Opening small, medium or large plastic bottles and cans is a snap with this opener. You can open any brand of bottled water, soda pop cans or even glass soda bottles. Whatever it is you are trying to get open, the Magic Opener® Bottle Opener is your answer to daily opening of different beverage containers. The openers not only work well but they are fast opening and very comfortable on your hands.
Having used the product for this review during a rheumatoid arthritis flare period, I can honestly tell you that I was relieved to have the opener available for use. It is as simple as saying “open sesame,” and the magic opener does the job each and every time.
Here are some really cools things about the Magic Opener® Bottle Opener:
- It is so small you can take it with you in a lunchbox, purse or backpack. You can take it anywhere – to the park, camping, traveling and even your workplace. Store in your car, your RV or with your camping equipment. Store it any place you will need it to come in handy.
- It is magnetic! It sticks to any metal surface so you don’t have to worry about getting it lost. Mine is on my refrigerator door right now so I won’t be searching for it the next time I need to use it.
- It offers a 3 in 1 function feature – you can open plastic bottles, flip tops on cans, and glass bottles all with one tool.
- It is ergonomic and for me – that is a big deal. Because of having rheumatoid arthritis, my hands always hurt. Along with the 3 in 1 function, the Magic Opener® is designed to be gentle on the hands especially for those suffering from arthritis or limited hand strength. This also means no pain or strain is required to get bottles and cans open.
- 90 day money back guarantee – You can use it for 90 days and return it for any reason at all and the people at Open Sesame USA will send you your money back, no questions asked.
Here is a demonstration video that shows how the product works.
If you are interested in buying your own Magic Opener® Bottle Opener, you can click on any of the links on the main page to be directed to the order page or by clicking HERE. You can also purchase a set of three interchangeable metal plates. As you know, water and soda bottles come in many different cap sizes. If one plate is not the correct size, replace the metal plate with the most appropriate: x-small, medium or large. The plates are easy to change and the directions are simple and easily explained.
Coming from someone who has spent the last three days with very achy hands, this is a product that can make life a lot easier for you whether your hands ache or not. Another plus for those of us who have arthritis is that the opener grips the bottle cap or can flip top so well that you don’t have to worry about it getting lose while opening and thus, you avoid a mess. Additionally, you can also tightly reclose plastic bottles and as we all know, this practically important for plastic soda bottles.
Giveaway
I only have good things to say about the Magic Opener® Bottle Opener: and that the people at Open Sesame USA have delivered on their promises. They have also generously given me six bottle openers for giveaway. If you want one, just leave your email address below. I will contact the first six people to get their addresses and send out right away. Also, please let me know what other opener products you have tried in the past and whether those have delivered on their promises.
Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review. I received a Magic Opener® for my review. Thank you Pablo at Open Sesame USA for providing me the opportunity to review your opener.
No One Say the R-Word!
I am the one who doesn’t stop believing that remission is possible. At the same token, I know it is a strong possibility that I have experienced periods of remission throughout my RA journey. Maybe it is that we have had a milder winter but I have honestly done pretty well as far as my RA symptoms go. If anything and I am praying to God that my saying this doesn’t have repercussions, I have enjoyed long periods with only sporadic attacks of inflammation and fatigue.
I don’t have an appointment with my rheumatologist until the end of May but she and I have talked about this since I started taking methotrexate last May. At my last appointment (January), we discussed it in more detail. She said that she is seeing the results she expected. Prior to May of last year, I was hesitate to even try methotrexate because I was always worried about getting pregnant. It was not something I was planning because I am done having children but having had a surprise pregnancy before, I did not want to take the chance. After struggling with RA pain and symptoms for over two years, I needed a different plan. I finally gave in and decided to try methotrexate and I am glad I put my fears aside.
I am not saying that I am in what doctors call “clinical remission,” but I am glad that I am not in as much pain as I was a year ago. I do have mornings where I get up in the morning and I don’t feel pain or stiffness and I am so grateful for that. I pray every day that things continue to get better for me because my feeling and looking better gives my children hope.
Now, I have no excuse to not be physically active. No excuse whatsoever! But I am afraid that if I start an exercise plan, my symptoms will come back. That is why biggest fear and I cannot go back to feeling like crap all over again. Here is the thing, I am not inactive. I have a busy life that involves a lot of hustle and bustle. Most of the time, I don’t sit down until my head hits the pillow. Of course, working a desk job, I am not active at work. However, I am always on the move – with kids (especially boys) you have to be. Also, I am always cleaning house and doing laundry but I don’t see that as being really active. I am not lazy but I don’t have an exercise routine in place and I know I should. It is something that regardless of my fears I have to work on.
I know that many of you with RA are far from feeling as well as I feel these days. I wish that there was some way I could make reduced pain and inflammation a reality for you. However, I don’t even know how I got to this point. Many people write about the things that they did to get symptom-free but I cannot do this because a part of me thinks it is merely luck. Sure, I made diet and lifestyle changes but I also take a whole lot of medication. Additionally, I left a stressful job for a less stressful one. I made changes in my personal life to reduce stress as well. I always felt that stress contributed to my symptoms. I don’t even know how long it has been since I had really bad symptoms – I just know a year ago things were a lot worse. I am sure that if I were to go back to my blog entries, I could trace this back but I am not sure that it matters. I know that my RA is calm mostly because of all the medications I take and also due to luck. I cannot imagine what it would be like if I suddenly had to stop taking my medications.
I am not saying the R-Word because I am even sure whether my having reduced symptoms and low pain levels is even that. On the same token, however, I was treating for my auto accident and I was taking additional medications and going to therapy – still am. That may also play a part. I just know I am happy where I am at. I have had my moments of sadness because of living with chronic pain and I am just glad to feel better. If it is clinical remission, I will take it and if it is, I am okay with that as well. I also know that my really bad symptoms may come back – with both the RA and fibro. I still have muscle and tissue pain, albeit tolerable, but nevertheless, still muscle and tissue pain. I am trying to enjoy where I am at right now. For now, however, I am just happy that my shoes are big because my feet are not swelled. Remission, probably not, but I am in a good place.
Related articles
- RA Tip: Keep a Positive Outlook (theadventuresofarthritisnfibromyalgia.wordpress.com)
- My Double Whammy (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
- My Relationship with Pain (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
- The Emotional Numbness (livinglifewithraandfms.wordpress.com)
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Life’s Headaches
Have you ever noticed that when you get rid of one ailment you trade in for another? Last year, just when my rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia symptoms had finally calmed down and reached the point of tolerable and manageable, I was injured in a rear end auto collision. Now that my neck and back pain have become reasonable enough for me to handle, I am struggling with the headaches as a residual of the neck pain. In addition to the headaches, my neck is stiff all the time. I am on day 4 of the latest stiff neck headache.
At my last epidural steroid injection, the pain management doctor told me that the next step was to talk to a neurosurgeon. I have an appointment towards the end of the month. I don’t plan on having surgery if anyone is wondering. If anything, it is just for record keeping purposes. My therapy is getting ready to end – probably towards the end of the month as well. I am doing better aside from the headaches and neck stiffness. All I want is my life back.
There are some developments in the lawsuit that we filed for my late brother’s asbestos cancer case but I cannot share them at this time. Apparently, these cases take longer when a person has already passed away. I just want his medical bills paid – I don’t think I am asking too much. As far as my own situation – that financial one – that is getting close to its end. It will be concluding towards the end of April or the beginning of May. Just a few final things to be resolved and we can move forward with our lives.
I learned a long time ago that life as all about the headaches. What I would give to be able to leave city life and find a quiet place to hide. Here is the problem with hiding, you get tired of it. You have to work and you have bills to pay and the cycle is always the same. Most people are not retiring until age 70 these days. It might be age 80 by the time I am 70. What I would do to have a peaceful life. I don’t even know how to achieve that – neither physically nor emotionally.
Every aspect of lives involves headaches. My job review came up last week. While I did well with my performance, the time I have taken off to deal with my injuries from the auto accident and taking care of my children when they were sick or had appointments did not go unnoticed. I was actually told that hopefully I could resolve those issues this year. Really? Okay, so the auto accident injuries will be resolved but what about my children and their needs? What is the resolution there? Employers say that they understand your work-home life balance but they really truly do not. The fact is that my children come first even though my employers think it should be the other way around. I am also pretty happy at my job but I didn’t realize that my family commitments were an issue. I understand that the issue was walked around and not direct but the hint was well taken. Oh well – that is just another of life’s headaches! There is also nothing I can do to change it. My kids come first – they have to live with it and I don’t regret ever saying that.
I am at the point in my life where, while I am tired, I am content. God blessed me with wonderful healthy children and are also well-behaved and polite – what more could a mother ask for? I am employed and my kids have a roof of their heads. My 12 year old made a comment the other day that made me think. He said, “You will be rich when my brother and I grow up because raising kids cost a lot of money.” I laughed and said, “I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be your and your brother’s mother.” I haven’t really thought about them being adults because I am not ready to and I know that it will come sooner than I think but right now, I am so blessed just to be their mother. Long before, I thought about a career or even being an adult myself, I wanted to be a mother and that is my great achievement yet. I am not sure that I will ever top that either. To them, the greatest thing I do is make the best macaroni and cheese or give them a hug at precisely the right moment. The reward I get is knowing that they are happy children.
Yes, life is full of headaches. No one is immune from this. The trick is knowing the balance between the headaches and happy moments. Sometimes, we are too busy dwelling on the headaches to notice how wonderful and beautiful life is. I have recently given myself permission to not take life so seriously. Yes, life is challenging but whose life isn’t? I have that by making good choices, things will fall into place. I have also learned what a gift life is and we always have a choice to be happy and to truly find happiness. And I am making that choice.
I Have Climbed Many Mountains
Well, not actual mountains but the mountains I have climbed have been life changing. I survived yesterday and I made it to the top of that mountain. Now, it is time to make it down. This is just the latest mountain I have climbed and but the many that I have climbed in my life have given me a grateful heart and a humble outlook.
The mountains I climbed in my twenties were the mountains that made me the strong person I am today. While the mountains are always hard to climb, I have gotten more skillful over years and the climbing part has gotten easier. I have also learned that the mountains that are put in front of us are a less in patience and endurance. Some mountains are small and we don’t notice them right way but once we do, they are easy to overcome. However, there are mountains that are so much bigger.
Those bigger mountains can sometimes feel as big as the world or even the universe. Those are the ones to leave us on our knees praying for guidance and even mercy. We often believe that we will never overcome the trials and the pain that those mountains have put in front of us. Coming from someone who fallen and gotten up more times than most people can imagine, I have wanted to stay down and to just cry for at least 75% of those falls. I have wanted to do everything but give up even when giving up felt the only possible option.
The truth is that I have climbed a lot of mountains in my life. The last few years have been one mountain after another. It is funny how these mountains force us to take a look at our lives. We wonder why things are unfair and why our battles are bigger than anyone else’s. We throw pity parties and don’t look at the bigger picture. It is when we actually take the time to look at the bigger picture that we see the lesson learned from the mountains we have climbed. When you are at the top, climbing down is so much easier than the climb up.
As for me, I have had to climb some really steep mountains in my adult life and some due to my own making. Other times, I have made the mistake of putting faith in people who don’t deserve it because I was too stubborn to see that at the time. I have been angry at the world, at specific people, at God, and at life. However, the older I get the more I have learned that fate is in my own hands and God is my friend. I am glad that I have learned this sooner than later.
My brother’s illness and passing away was my wakeup call. I believe that it is possible that even through the pain to find love and joy. When my brother was diagnosed with cancer, everything seemed so unfair. It took me some time to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had time to be with my brother and I had an opportunity to say goodbye. My family learned what family truly meant and we grieved our loss together. The mountains we climb allow to us to see the great blessings in our lives.
The mountains I have climbed have allowed me to open my eyes to the world around me – to see all that I have to be grateful for and to see how truly blessed I am. Those same mountains have given me skills to understand why I must take certain paths in order to arrive to the place that we need to be. I am stronger and wiser because of those paths, valleys and mountains.
I am not saying that I always smile when it is pouring rain on me. I still get angry. I still feel pain and stress. I did for many weeks until yesterday’s event and I survived. Now that I have gotten to the top, I still have to make my way down. There is no parachute or helicopter to make my way down any easier but the worst is over. The rest is just timing.
Having RA and fibro and having lost so much in the past few years, I do sometimes wish that life was easier or that maybe I was someone else – perhaps the person I was before cancer, chronic illness and financial issues became a part of my life. For the most part, however, I understand myself better than I ever have in the past. I understand that climbing these mountains makes me a wiser and stronger person. I remind myself daily that I am setting an example for my children. More than anything, I want to them to see that even the steepest mountain can be climbed and obstacles are merely things that try to keep us from achieving our potential.
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- Mountains to Climb (writingwildly.wordpress.com)
- Writing Entry 4: The Mountains We Climb (samaverettblog.wordpress.com)
Taking a Long Hard Look
Tomorrow is that dreaded event that I have mentioned in prior posts that has been keeping me up at night. This morning on my way into work, I thought about how blessed am. I have healthy kids (Thank you God), and despite my health being less than ideal, I am still healthy. Despite dealing with financial issues over the past three years, those issues are near end.
I have family members whose children have developmental delays and they struggle with this on a daily basis. Compared to that, my life is easy. I thank God every day that my children are healthy. My sister is a cancer survivor. Compared to what a cancer patient has to go through in one day, my illnesses are walks in the park. So many people have been affected by the recent bad weather and I still have a roof over my children’s heads. Three families in Chardon said their final goodbyes to three sons in the past week and I am fortunate that my children are safe. I am wrong to thing that my worries are so much harder than others. It is only when you take the time to see the troubles of others that your own personal troubles seem so small.
One of things I did earlier this week was change the design of my blog. We could all use some springtime images to better our moods. I visit often to prepare new posts, review old ones, approve and review comments, and even look at site stats. I figure a positive design makes a lot of difference when you are already in a not so great mood. The weather has been playing on my RA and fibro pain and my moods. I have done what I need to go with the flare ups and flare downs in order to get through. I have shut down emotionally and I have to say that due to the wild fluctuations in the weather, I am longing for winter to be over. While I am enjoying the warmer weather (60s today), the back and forth thing is not working for me. My joints don’t like it and neither do my moods.
I am taking a long hard look at where I am at right now in my life. I have my family, my career and my health and a lot of people don’t have all that. My job performance review is Friday and because of that event tomorrow, it is the last thing on my mind. I also have gotten to a point in my life where I understand that my children are priority. I am a hard worker and a good employee but I don’t go out of my way to perform. I have other priorities and other stressors in my life. While my job pays the bills, it is NOT on my mind at the end of the day.
As a working mother, I cannot separate my home life from my job. However, I can separate my job from my home life. I have learned that my employers, and most employers, are looking for the opposite. I have battled my demons on this one for many years and in the end, my home life wins every time. If my kids get sick, I will take the time off I needed to take care of them. If the school calls, I am not going to search for my mom or my sister to pick up and take of them, it is my job before it is anyone else’s. I am not saying there are times where I don’t give the responsibility to someone else because I have had to do that on many occasions. I just know when to decide which option I should take depending on the circumstances.
A year ago today, I started at my current position. I left a much higher paying job downtown for peace of mind. Even with the decrease in income, I honestly have no regrets. My employers say that they understand my family commitments and while they do at some level, I can understand that they see my dedication probably isn’t as high as someone who doesn’t have kids. I understand that I will get passed over for a promotion for someone who doesn’t have similar commitments. I get it and I accept it. I have for a long time. One of these days, I will find that job that makes me feel like I am making a big difference in the world. For right now, I just need to keep a roof over my children’s heads and food on our table.
I have in recent weeks and even months taken a long hard look at the reality in front of me. I have it easy compared to others. I am blessed with so much and I am so very lucky. I have the grace of the Almighty at my side.
This was my horoscope this morning:
Take some time to break out of your normal routine, Lana, and see what is going on in the world around you. It could be that you are so focused and so driven on a specific goal that you are failing to take into account the rest of the world. You may not even be aware that these outside energies have a huge effect on what you are doing in your own little compartment.
I have for so long focused on what was going on in my life that I failed to take account the rest of the world. My worries and problems are so small compared to the rest of the world. That lack of understanding hasn’t allowed me to see what a good person I can be. I used to be the person that jumped at opportunities to volunteer and help others. Of late, I haven’t even taken the time to see that I have failed at the one thing I thought I was good at – reaching out to others. I was so busy wallowing in self-pity that I completely forgot my own rule – “pity parties are optional.” I have taken a long hard look at everything that I have overcome in the past year and I don’t overcome it through self-pity. I overcame it due to a lack of self-pity. Yes, tomorrow is going to be a challenge but that challenge is only going to last between ten and thirty minutes. That is a very small part of my day.
When that small part of my day is over, there will only be documents to be pulled together and documents to be confirmed. That financial nightmare is coming to an end and I have to believe it. If I continue to stress over it, my health will pay and really, all I am doing is causing myself stress that is unnecessary.
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