The Move
Moving is never a fun task but I am happy to say I survived it. Of course, the boxes are not unpacked yet and may take a week or two to be all unpacked and organized. My plans changed on Monday when the management company for my new place called and told me that I could not move in on Jan. 31 because they were replacing the carpet. I had to shuffle some things around and rescheduled the movers. I did end of picking up the keys on Tuesday afternoon after the carpet was replaced. Moving day became February 1 and I have to admit, it went pretty well. Everything was ready by the time the movers arrived and I didn’t lift a thing. Three hours later, the move was complete. The cable guy showed up later and set up the cable, phone and internet. Dinner involved pizza and paper plates. After dinner, I went back to old place and vacuumed. I had been cleaning cabinets, drawers and windows for several days. The fridge and stove were cleaned the night before and the bathroom before the movers got there. I was absolutely worn out. I was in bed by 8:30.
We are home
Things went pretty well despite the pain in all my joints. I slept like baby last night. There will be more boxes to unpack today, tomorrow, and for several days. I also did laundry last night because I have a washer and dryer at my place. I never had this at my previous place so you can see how happy that makes me. Did I mention that I also went to the chiropractor after the move? The chiropractic massage helped me with some of the neck and back that I have been dealing with as I have been planning the move, cleaning, packing boxes and move its self. Planning helped because things could have been much worse. However, I don’t have a plan for the unpacking part – I will guess figure it out as I go. Anyway, here’s the thing, I feel like I am home. I slept so peacefully last night and so did the boys that there was no question that we were home. We really are.
Other stuff
In addition to the move, I am dealing with another situation – one I have not been open about on this blog. It is not something I plan on opening up about but it has been a nerve wrecking situation. To add injury to insult, the person I hired to take care of it is the most insensitive person I have ever met. I just want the issue resolved and I hired someone for that purpose. I didn’t hire someone to belittle my choices. Unfortunately, the monies have been paid and the documents filed so I can have to put up with this person for another couple months. Trust me when I say I have no plans to recommend her to anyone.
On Sunday night, I had a dream about my dad. I only dream about Dad when I am struggling with something. In my dream, Dad was waiting outside for me. He had an RV and we were going on a trip. I was getting my youngest ready and peeking out the window every often. Dad was leaning against the RV and patiently waiting. When I finished getting myself and my son ready, I went downstairs and called my brother (the married one) that we were all ready to go (I assume he was going too). I awoke as we walked out the door. I think my life would be boring if everything was perfect and wonderful all the time. Personally, I think God knows I am capable so he tests me. It is hard sometimes being a rock when you feel like a small ship in a storm. I know I will get through this but it doesn’t mean I won’t spend the next two months worrying.
Alliance Health prepared an article where I was mentioned. Click HERE to be directed to that article. Also, if you have not checked my Parenting with Chronic Pain article, click HERE for that link. When I wrote the article for Creaky Joints, I wasn’t prepared for the feedback from. So many parents out there can actually relate to my feelings and my anxieties. I am glad that I wrote it and I am very grateful for the feedback.
A New Chapter
The move and the beginning of the end of that the stressful situation I mentioned are both part of a new chapter for me. Since my brother died, it seems like things just keep going wrong. My marriage issues, my car accident, financial issues that continued to linger (but are finally and hopefully coming to an end), having to move because some annoying person decided to single my kids out and several other things I didn’t expect especially when I was trying to grieve my brother. I don’t feel like I ever really had an opportunity to grieve my brother and the fact that I didn’t is hard. I know that life gets in the way but sometimes, I think that I spent so much time being tough and trying to hold everything together that I made the choice not to grieve. Supposedly, time heals all wounds or so I have heard. 
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About Lana
Since I started at Blogger, it took me two years to pull together an “about me” section which I have now moved here. When contemplating about writing an “about me” section on my blog that would talk about my diagnoses and the effect that they have had on my life. Every time I start to type, I am not sure what it is that I want to say. I just know that what I have to say has to have a profound effect on those reading the words and having all the same questions that I have had for some many years and even the questions that I still have.
When I was enduring a variety tests and looking for answers, all I wanted was closure and that meant an answer for what was going on inside of me for so many years. At some point, I thought it was normal to feel sick everyday of your life because if it wasn’t normal, then it would mean that I wasn’t normal. After years of misdiagnosis, mistrust towards so many medical providers and frustration at the lack of answers, I started to wonder if what was wrong with me was all in my head. It took time but eventually the answers came.
From the day that I received my first diagnosis, rheumatoid arthritis, I promised myself that RA would not win. A couple months later, I was also diagnosed with fibromyalgia. In beginning, I went through a variety of emotions: Fear, denial, optimism, frustration, numbness, and skepticism. My emotions would change several times day and hope and acceptance were a long ways down the road. In beginning, I thought that I would fight the inevitable but it didn’t take very long for the diseases to win. I became depressed even though I insisted to everyone in my life that I was not depressed and I kept going on because I had to. I leaned on my love and dedication to my children as my coping mechanism. I knew that no matter what I was going through I still had to be their mother.
The years of trying to find answers taught me and gave me patience, dedication, strength and survival. I don’t know who I would be without that experience. So many times in my life before RA and FMS when life handed me lemons and I always threw them back. With RA an FMS, I can’t throw the lemons back because it doesn’t work that way. I just have to keep reminding myself that the lemonade will get sweeter with practice.
Steroids, a lack of energy, and physical pain take a toll on you. I stopped stepping on the scale because I am tired of the weight gain. I stopped visiting friends and family who think that my conditions are simple and that I am just being a drama queen. I stopped trying to be perfect, having an impeccably clean home, and trying to be everything to everyone. What the illness does to us, we cannot control. How we respond, how we choose to fight back, and how we go on is our defense against the war waging inside of us. I am not saying it will ever be easy but it is what makes us exceptional.
I can no longer carry my toddler and sometimes, it takes a lot out of me to make it into work every single day. There are nights where I lie awake staring at the ceiling whispering and repeating the words “I am in so much pain” until the sleep finally consumes me. I didn’t invite RA or FMS in my life. They just showed up one day and never left. I used to be a planner and my diseases ruined any plans that I will ever have. When I was pregnant with my now toddler, I scheduled the induction the day after I started my maternity leave because I wanted to spend as much time with my kids as I could before I went back to work. I refused a C-section when it looked like things weren’t progressing because it would ruin the “plan,” and now, I don’t make plans. I just live for the moment and if there is anything I hate more than the unexpected, it is disappointment and failure so I stopped planning. If I have to live side by side with my conditions, I have to understand that I cannot always win.
Imagine being a dark room and trying to make your way around. Then, imagine that you find a light switch and the room becomes dim, not bright, but enough for you to navigate your way. For years, I was in the dark about what was happening to me, and then one day, the room became dimly lit. Of course, I wanted closure but instead I found that there were more questions than there were answers. I learned that I had to change my perceptions on what closure meant to me so that I could gain some normalcy back into my life now that I had some closure.
One of the things that I do know is that I am not alone and that there were so many exceptional people who, like me, are looking for closure, answers and normalcy. I share my experiences because I want to live a “normal” life and I want others to see that it is okay to have a normal life and to keep dreaming, trying, believing and looking towards the future. I write about my life with RA and FMS, my diagnosis, and my quest to find answers and I continue to do so because when it gives others hope it gives me hope too.
My blog is about who I am, my struggle for answers, and how I have made lemonade. I have found through my experience and the experiences of others dealing with the same conditions that living with arthritis and/or an autoimmune disease gets easier even though the disease gets harder. RA and FMS may control how I physically feel but they do not control who I am or how I choose to respond. It is never going to be easy and some days, the emotional part is worst than the physical but we all struggle with something and for me, it is RA and FMS.
I am the patient advocate for two Alliance Health online communities, Arthritis Connect and Fibromyalgia Connect. It is something I am very proud of and I ask that you join me so that you can find answers and give support to others who have a multitude of questions.
I’m glad you’re move went relatively smoothly. In my limited experience something always goes awry when moving no matter how well you plan. Good for you taking your time unpacking, I would have to have it all done in one day because I’m type A like that.
I did enjoy your article on parenting and chronic pain and I have written a similar one myself.
Hi hikinginparadise, Thanks for coming by and commenting. I will take to take a long at my article as well.
Sounds like you’ve had a really tough time. Hope things start to look up for you and your family. Put a horseshoe over your new door (what harm can it do even if you’re not superstitious?) and look to the bright shiny future xxx
I have actually thought about the horseshoe but I was considering religous verses instead. I am not superstitious but I am strong believer in God and in his words. Thanks so much for your kinds words.
Congratulations on your new home. I hope this new home provides you with a new chapter in your life of comfort and safety so you may have the opportunity to grieve the changes and losses you have been experiencing. And may that process bring you the healing you need.
I believe that every day begins with a blank page of possibilities on which to create our life, of which only we have the power to write and rewrite. I hope this new chapter in your life is full of blessings. And through your blog, articles, and advocacy, it appears that you have been an admirable role model and blessing to many others.
Hi Deborah, Thank you for visiting again and commenting. Thank you for your really sweet and kind words. I strongly believe that every day is blessing despite the setbacks.
I’m glad the move went smooth and is behind you now, a new page to start. Hopefully the next couple of months will go smoothly for you. And you’re famous too now! Time does heal wounds, unfortunately it doesn’t happen over night. Take care my friend.
Thanks Terry. Famous, huh?