How I have changed

I always talk about how I have changed but I am usually referring to how I have changed emotionally. I never really want to talk about how I have changed physically. For most of us, we clearly acknowledge that we have changed physically but we don’t like to talk about it. The truth I have gained nearly fifty pounds since RA came into my life. I wear shoes that are one and two sizes bigger than I did before RA. That is because my feet are always swollen and achy. My hands and fingers are always sore, swollen and achy all the time and I don’t think I ever recall a time that my hands and fingers didn’t hurt. Obviously, that time existed but it seems like so far into the past.

Sometimes, I will get a sharp pain in my knee or in my hip and I have to stop and gain my composure. Imagine someone walking up to you and pointing you with a pretty sharp object in your knee or hip. You would be taken aback right away. I don’t always like anyone to see me when I have those moments so I quickly gain my composure by for example, trying really hard not to limp or let anyone see how much pain I am in. Then there is the constant joint swelling and stiffness. It is a part of life for people with arthritic conditions. We have fears and we hopes like everyone else. For us, however, our fear is that RA wins and that we can’t continue to work to provide for our families or that an RA complication has a serious effect on our families. Every day is a battle and we continue and endure despite the limitations

I have learned to accept these changes to my body and the limitations that RA has posed but I am not always thrilled with them. I just keep going despite a lack of a comfort with my body because I realize that the alternative is worse. RA has such a devastating effect on us physically and it seems that weight gain and constant swelling are nothing compared to RA complications. Despite all the physical changes that RA has brought into my life, I have endured and I am proud of that.

RA Guy has a “Show Us Your Hands” Project where you take a photo of your hand and send it to RA Guy by Friday, December 23. RA Guy will combine all these photos into a final collage and post on his blog on Christmas Eve. It will serve as a symbol for the autoimmune community and also as a reminder that we are proud, not ashamed, of arthritic hands.

So here is to you RA Guy.

While I don’t any visible deformity in my hand, you can see the swelling. It is like a hospital glove blown up. My feet are similarly bloated this morning.

Rheumatoid arthritis hands are a visible sign of the enormous strength of an individual who has experienced so much pain, that their hands have literally been pulled out of shape. I, for one, am proud of my hands. They have endured a lot, and will continue to endure even more. I will never be ashamed of them, no matter what they look like. From “I’m proud of my Arthritis Hands” by RA Guy.

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About Lana

I will start by saying that my blog is about who I am and how I have grown, preserved, and endured since being diagnosed. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and fibromyalgia (FM) nearly five years ago after many years of dealing with symptoms that no doctor could explain. All I wanted was closure and, to me, that meant finding an answer to why I didn’t feel normal. Several days after having my now almost five year old, I awoke to the inability to walk or use my hands and within a week, I finally had a diagnosis and this time, it sank in that it was real thing. Steroids, a lack of energy, and physical pain take a toll on you. What the illness does to us, we cannot control. How we respond, how we choose to fight back, and how we go on is our defense against the war waging inside of us. Imagine being in a dark room and trying to make your way around. Then, imagine that you find a light switch and the room becomes dim, not bright, but enough for you to navigate your way. For years, I was in the dark about what was happening to me, and then one day, the room became dimly lit. What I wanted was closure but instead I found that there were more questions than there were answers. I learned that I had to change my perceptions on what closure meant to me and in this case it meant accepting that chronic illness was now a part of my life. One of the things that I do know is that I am not alone and that there were so many exceptional people who, like me, are looking for closure, answers and normalcy. I share my experiences because I want to live a “normal” life and I want others to see that it is okay to have a normal life and to keep dreaming, trying, believing and looking towards the future. I write about my life with RA and FMS, my diagnosis, and my quest to find answers and I continue to do so because when it gives others hope it gives me hope too. I have found through my experience and the experiences of others dealing with the same conditions that living with arthritis and/or an autoimmune disease gets easier even though the disease gets harder. RA and FM may control how I physically feel but they do not control who I am or how I choose to respond. It is never going to be easy and some days, the emotional part is worse than the physical but we all struggle with something and for me, it is RA and FM.

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2 Responses to How I have changed

Cathy says:

December 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I always love reading your stuff!

joan says:

December 18, 2011 at 4:21 pm

I could copy and paste this to my blog, because it is my story today. Here’s to endurance!